american beauty
well ironically i get on here to update and there's a lovely comment from heather telling me i need a new entry. you people are so impatient. i just finished watching American-the most fucking awesome movie ever- Beauty. wow. talk about deep. i dont think my parents got it. it ended and i was just in awe over the brilliance of the film and my parents were like well that was a bad movie. and i was like hmmm no you just didn't get it. sad really. it has a good message relating to the beauty of life even though it can be meaningless and nothing. its still amazing. its still beautiful. its still possible to enjoy it. very optimistic. i realize i can be very cynical sometimes. some people get the wrong idea and think i'm cynical about everything. im not really. im cynical more about humanity and america and the government than anything else. im really quite optimistic about things that matter. about human relationships (with each other, with the environment, between countries, lovers, friends, etc etc), about the meaning of life, about the hope for meaning in a world that is sometimes nothing. i see that hope, that goodness. because i see the beauty in life. the beauty in living it and finding some sort of meaning thats makes it beautiful and worth it. things like relaxing and being pampered. like looking across the room at someone and having them look back and know what they're thinking. like driving with the windows down and the radio at full blast. like doing something that makes you smile. hanging around people who you can be yourself with. going to a play in the park at night night when its amazing weather, amazing acting, good company, and good times. sweating about some small and insignificant things (prom, ap tests, makeup, clothes) and letting other things go (french class, clothes, makeup). staying up and talking to someone while everyone around you is asleep and connecting with them a totally honest, intellectual, moral, level and not only understanding them but having them understand you and then later, when everything is back to reality and people are awake and you're in school, you look over at them and they look at you and smile. and you might not talk a whole lot, and sometimes you don't say anything at all, but its there. and you both know it. even when you're not saying anything and everyone around you is talking, you just kind of look at each other and connect. its the most amazing feeling in the world. i hope i find that feeling again in the future with someone because our paths are so divergent right now that i wonder if, after graduation, if we'll ever see each other again. doubtful. it makes me sad. but something as beautiful as this...im lucky to have found it once in my life. some people never find it. thats generally what i consider southlake to be. a town full of lost souls, blind to the beauty of nature and life, attempting to find happiness in materialism and ugliness, blind themselves to the harsh reality that they can't see or understand the beauty around them. so they try and numb themselves. to the ugliness of their lives. right now, i can see the beauty of my life. tomorrow maybe i won't. or maybe i will. but the point is i see it now. i know its there. and i will try to keep it there as long as possible. this realization. this knowledge of beauty. god i love that movie. last night jill and i went to see rozencrantz and guildenstern are dead. fucking amazing. i love that play. it was at an outdoor theatre in a park in dallas. it was really small and the audience like, sits on stage. it was so cool. and the night was amazing (the weather i mean). it was just one of those nights where you want to go lay in the grass and stay there all night staring at the stars because its so beautiful. the city itself was alive. i mean, we weren't in the downtown area, but its nights like those that remind me of st louis. of the beauty of that city. god. its so amazing. boston is beautiful too but in its own way. not like st louis. dallas, last night, was beautiful in the way st louis is. i hope fort worth holds that same beauty in it. that natural beauty, fusing of trees and highways, and skyscrapers and parks and the stars and the wind and the smells of everything. i hope next year i can find beauty in where i am. otherwise the world will become ugly and bleak. and life sometimes is. but deep down, beneath the death and depression and ugliness and stress and hatred and differentness, there is a beauty. do you see it?
I Heart Lit Crit
I couldn't sleep last nightMy ears were ringing in my headBest friends with the boogie manI may be better off here deadRunning on empty once againToo tired for tears I dreadSink deep into those magic dreamsWhile I blast off in my bed tired. got back from lubbock last night around midnight. came home and fell asleep immediately. been trying to do calc all day. confused and frustrated. did some scholarships apps. went to lunch at pei wei with my brother and then rented eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. looking forward to watching that and then gray's anatomy later tonight. will be a much needed break from academics. lubbock was...amazing. well no actually lubbock sucked and was boring. but the trip was a lot of fun. breaks down like this:1. left fri morning. had starbucks. 2. busride there consisted of sleeping, talking, catch phrase, lunch break in nowheresville, and then sleeping through octopussy, the worst james bond movie ever, 3. got to lubbock around 5 and then studied and joked around with langford, clarisssa, megan, and yasmine until 8:45 when we all went to dinner. food was ok and then we had desert. it was only the best brownie sunday ever. orgasm in the mouth (or as jeff says a mouthgasm). delicious. 4. stayed up late (2 am) talking and goofing around and watching Citizen Kane (bad movie) with the lit criters. 5. went to the competition sat morning, almost died cus waldo's a crazy driver. studied, took the test, waited, verified, were told we won, realized they were wrong, got 4th, were kind of disappointed, wandered arounf lubbock (there is NOTHING to do there), played catchphrase with hayes, deepak, nate, arevelo, olson, mary, ashley, mureji, megan, clarissa, and yasmine for an hour and then got on the bus. 6. watched part of pulp fiction (and drank some of arevelo's special coke stash) on the ride home and then the debate nationals from 1998 (the DVD player was broken and we had no other tapes) and then played truth or dare and ten fingers and then talked with deepak because we were the only people still awake. all in all a pretty good trip. i definately got closer to some people i hadn't really known that well before (nate, deepak, clarissa, mureji, langford) and found out some unpleasant things about people i thought i knew (namely megan and mary). i was pretty upset to find out that people i thought i knew are complete sluts who sleep around with twenty something year olds they barely know. and go and get drunk every weekend. (sigh). i think you all know my general policy with sex and drinking. mainly, drink if you want. i don't care. but do it for the right reasons. don't do it to be cool or get friends or self respect. do it because you want to or because you just feel like cutting lose for once. don't do it for anyone but yourself. and do not ever drive after doing it. use your fucking head at least. with sex, i mean come on. just don't sleep around, use protection, and do it with someone you have feelings for and know really well. some people...UGH. they just piss me off with their sexual antics because they are acting like...no no they ARE sluts. i know i joke about sex and stuff a lot but that doesn't mean i think sleeping around is cool. arh. some people just tend to piss me OFF. so other than that, a great UIL trip. except for the losing. that kind of sucked. i wish i had done this last year...oh well. i mean, it is kinda fun and the people (for the most part) are a lot of fun to hang out with. maybe i'll be on the academic team in college (hahaha). i dont feel like studying anymore. i dont think i'll be getting a 5 on calc. my perfect streak will be broken. oh crap. i think i need to read the stranger by tomorrow. would probably be a good idea methinks. bleh. tired, kind of pissed at certain SLUTS, missing someone who i found out i relate to really well. same morals. similar life goals. same views of society. same taste in movies. someone i can be totally honest with. funny. same sense of humor. why did i have to find this connection 3 months befopre college? no time for anything to happen. sighhhhh.....maybe a potential band banquet date. possibly. possibly not. maybe i'll just go alone and then be alone forever and die an old maid. that would suck i think. it would be right up there with structural unemployment (haha mcgahey alums unite!!!)off to relieve the boredom and confusion...And you know I played it all in hereWhere everyone hides their darkest shades of fearsAnd I threw my whole night down the drainYou know cause everyone says that i'm not the same Since I changed my name
stuck in a land of high school drama
arg. frustrated. i need a date to band banquet. well actually i just want one. and contrary to contemporary beliefs it is not because i am insecure and need to have someone there. i just want someone who knows how to dance that i can dance with. that is the only qualification!! i love dancing. so much fun. great form of expression. ugh. i dont think guys get it. hello. we're seniors. we're all going to college next fall. we're not about to embark on some huge romance commitment thing...unless you're already dating someone and taking them to this. thats different. im talking about taking someone as your date to a dinner/dance event. casual. fun. no commitment! friends. nothing more. why do people not get this? why are some people so immature and think that this sort of thing is serious and stuff? i mean, yes we're in high school, we're supposed to elevate the trivial and obsess over little things. and i know it takes a certain level of maturity to view this sort of thing in an adult way. but i mean come on. how is it that no one seems to understand that band banquet is not a big deal? you should go with someone you feel comfortable with. i know im harping on band banquet but this goes beyond this formal event. prom. homecoming. everything!! good freaking god people. grow up! learn how to have a freaking adult relationship (in a friends way, not sexual). guys, you're just a girls escort for an evening. girls, you're just a guy's date. GROW UP! get off this "oh but i dont like [him or her] like that". it doesn't matter!!! take a friend, have fun, and get over yourselves! and single guys, there are girls out there without escorts. ask them. they'll say yes because they want a date. guys without dates who are asked by girls: please. like you've got someone better in mind? be nice. say yes. it takes a lot of courage for a girl to ask a guy even if it is as friends because of society and whatnot. well i say damn society! girls ask the guys! guys, stop being such wimp asses and ask the girls! everyone: grow up and stop making such a big freaking deal out of these things. geez.
so when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell?
oh fallout boy...i love you. tired. got up early so as not to completely throw off my sleep schedule and then looked over calculus stuff and finished up my speech for the NCL tea this afternoon. sat around in a daze for about an hour and accomplished nothing. went to tape my audio portion for the NCL Senior presentation video. spilled some soup on myself. that was no good. the soup was but the spilling was not. came home and got ready for the NCL tea, went to the tea, ate chocolate covered strawberries (delicious), gave my speech (which everyone surprisingly loved) and then came home and mowed the lawn. our mower is a tard and requires superhuiman strength to move and i got dust and pollen in my eyes because its spring and the grass hates me. then i was like hmm, all hot and sweaty and kind of tired from mowing because the lawn mower's evil. let's got for a run! that was dumb. i haven't run in like a year. i am going to be so incredibly sore tomorrow. eh. i just won't move.
wow. a lot has happened since my last post. my internet wasn't working for like the past 3 days and before that i was too busy to post. eh. oh well. let's see...umm tuesday i think we had a tring rehersal. i dont remember. yes. im fairly sure we did. and wed...econ revie and then interact meeting...oh yes. i remember. i almost killed stephanie. it was the worst meeting we've ever had. jill and i were so pissed. urh. then i went and filmed my french project, got home around 8-8:30(?) and started studying for my physics test (92 baby!) and then was really tired and went to bed. and then the internet broke. thurs was a really good episode of the OC and i did a bunch of scholarship apps and some english questions. its like hmm, last 6 weeks and my teachers are like MORE HOMEWORK!!! forget the fact that we haven't given you any in weeks and now you have to study for AP tests, BAH! MORE!! WELL BAH TO YOU!!! thats all i have to say about that.
and then what happened....oh yeah. fri i worked in my mom's office for a few hours (30 dollars..def needed some cash) and then LD and i went to the movies and hung out at starbucks. that was a lot of fun. we're so different, so opposite but we get along so well when we hang out. usually. sometimes the polarity gets to me, but fri was a lot of fun. we hadn't realy huing out like that, just the two of us in awhile so that was good. and we saw The Upside to Anger which is a GREAT movie. Everyone, this is a must see. Serious but not depressing, funny but in a deep way, and just generally hilarious. the lines in this movie...i was laughing so much. some movies that are serious can't pull off the funny aspect too. but this one does both. props to the writer/director and actors for just nailing everything. probably not gonna win any oscars (though i think the mom should get nominated for a golden globe or something) but still a must see. speaking of must see movies i want to see Sin City...heath, you and i are totally gonna do that during the school week after AP tests...i was think thurs May 12, the night after my last test maybe? i dunno. but possibly. also i wanna see the new star wars. i am such a nerd. i totally love star wars and harry potter. the only 2 science fiction/fantasy series i really enjoy...well and the matrixes...but only those. usually im not really into that sort of thing. but def love those. oh and jill...rosencrantz and guildenstern on wed before the 4 day weekend..oh yes, so amazing. i am so excited. i love that play. eh. i just ate dinner. it was pretty good except for the wax beans which were a little dry and lacking in the taste department. i am going to watch grey's anatomy tonight because last week (or the repeat last sat) was really funny because the main character had to carry a severed penis around in a cooler all day and it was hilarous. going to help with dishes and maybe do some more AP review...bah to AP tests. if only i wasn't a perfectionist plagued by hubris. if i hadn';t done so well last year i wouldn't care. but i did and i don't want to break my streak. i want the perfect record. 5's on everything. which why im stressing about calc so much. it'll be the determinant. or maybe physics if i have a bad day. at anyrate, i won't settle for mary poppins. i must be perfect in everyway. a blessing or a curse? only time will tell.
the beatles are always right
so i got home and was going to study for physics until i discovered olsen had postponed our test till thurs. score. so then i decided to watch outfoxed. omg. so amazing. i love these documentaries that go up against the things that are wrong with this country. Micheal Moore does an amazing job of that in Bowling for Columbine and Farenheight 9/11 and the Outfoxed guy does too (i can't remember his name..greenwald or something like that).Anyway, these guys go out there and they get the facts out. they interview reliable sources and try to figure out whats wrong with this country. they've taken the place of the traditional media which has become a group of a few large, conservative, business corporations focused on profits and cheap, irrelevent stories. it's so important for our democracy for these directors to go out there and shoot documentaries because the mediais neglecting its role of informing the public about important and relevent information. Fox news is the perfect example. It's owned by Rupert Murdoch who also owns several other enterprises including but not limited to movie production companies, radio stations, satellite companies, and several other television stations. And these things aren't just in America. They're all over the world. It's estimated that his stations etc. are watched/listened to by about 4.7 billion people. Now call me paranoid or whatever but that's a bit discomforting to me. Especially when the person exerting the influence is has a very conservative political agenda and he is claiming to be an honest and fair journelist. He is nothing of the sort. The Fox news channels is a abomination to the media world. It is disgusting and pathetic and dangerous because they don't separate the news from the commentary and editorials. They also bully their guests. The perfect example is Bill O'Reilly, renowned asshole liar of a talk show host, who started verbally abusing Jeremy Glick, a guest whose father was killed in the 9/11 attacks. See, Jeremey didn't support the war in Iraq or Afghanistan so O'Reilly started screaming at him and telling him to shut up. It was ridiculous. I hate O'Reilly. Almost as much as I hate Ann Coulter. It's a close tie. See Ann is a lying bitch who does pretend to be an honest journalist. O'Reilly is a lying, rude, classless, perverted bully who just promotes the right wing agenda. i hate him. and the rest of the news media. i say, revolution!
my passionate declaration
i've had a deep week. well a deep week since thursday. so really just a deep last few days. I've been observing and thinking about a lot of different things: independent thinking, the beautiful numbness of getting mentally away from society, the boundaries that people use to isolate themselves and keep others out. and a few others. but mainly those. it all started thurday afternoon when i was watching who'd afraid of virginia woolf. i got to thinking about the beauty of numbing your mind and wrote a great little blog about it so of course blogger broke and ate it. i was rageous. i'll see if i can attempt to recreate the eloquency of that first entry but i wouldn't get my hopes up. life is meaningless unless people give it meaning. there is a void that needs to be filled. everybody fills it in a different way. drugs, sex, alcohol, god, religion, friends, money, television, they all serve the same purpose. attempting to fill that emotional abyss in our hearts and minds. everybody fixes their problem in a different way. they find some way to deal with the meaninglessness that is their lives. they search for meaning by have one meaningless sexual experience after another, hoping for, searching for love and acceptance and human contact to make them forget the patheticness that is their lives. they go to church every week and get drunk on "god's love" and feel happy and loved for a few hours each week. they go to the bars and the parties and they get drunk and wasted and hungover and numb. they go and numb themselves. they don't have an inner strength. they have no individualness, no sense of self. they cannot deal with their lives, so they choose instead to find some way to escape from them, albeit if only temporarily. some people in our school drink and have sex and do immoral things. but the beauty of morals and individualness is indeed the individualness part. everybody has different moral standards. nobody can be properly judged by another's moral standards because of individualism and the fact that every person is different. these kids who go out and drink and do "immoral" things, they are lost. they have fallen down, they are so far down. and they are hanging on for dear life. they do things that i don't agree with in the sense that i wouldn't do them. but you'll notice that a majority of the suicide cases don't drink or do drugs. they have no outlet. a few do. drink that is. but not usually. not as the norm. they might try it occasionally to escape from the bland banalness of their lives or as a way to try and fit in and feel loved. but many of them don't touch that stuff. they turn to it as a last resort. as a way to avoid what is, for them, the inevitable. to delay their suicide. and then they are chastized for it. for their "immoral" and whorish actions. leave them the fuck alone. they aren't as strong as some people. they don't have religion or strength. they have a bottle and some two cent tanorexic/insecure jock. and that's it. that's their meaning. kind of a crappy meaning by my standards and yours, but at least it's a meaning of some sort. at least they're trying. they're trying to live, in their own way, getting by from day to day not knowing really who they are or why they're here. let them get numb for one night. let them forget about everything and leave them alone. just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean you have to change it or make fun of them for it. i generally try to accept people who are different than i am. i might not agree with them and i might not like them but i will NOT judge them. who am i to judge? who are YOU to judge them? what makes you so special? you're not that special. you're just different from them. you don't discrimminate racially, sexually, etc because you were taught that its wrong. discrimminating by action and meaning is wrong too. because these people are lost. and they have nowhere to turn. so let them turn to whatever they choose. it might not make them completely happy. but at least, for those few minutes when they're high or drunk or screwing some one night stand or whatever, they're numb to society. to that fucked up, superficial society that preaches individuality but enforces conformity and judges and hates and is prejudice and awful and meaningless. somebody once asked me why people drink and do drugs and have sex, etcetera etcetera. they couldn't understand why anyone would want to be numb to life when it was so "wonderful" and so "beautiful". i hope this might have answered your question. an entry into the mind of a madwoman. *bitter laugh*. i endure it. not very well but i manage. sometimes i look up during the day and realize that i just want to get up and walk out of school an go get drunk and forget about symbolism and primaries and french passive voice and fortes and integrals. but i don't. i manage, somehow, to deal. to keep sane and sober. but i'm faltering. i wish, just for one night, i could be numb. i could feel nothing. i cold not feel this biting emptiness and coldness and loneliness and bitterness. sometimes im ok. i see the good things. i see the hope, the light at the end of the tunnel. but then sometimes, during school or on days like tonight i just want to be able to let loose and go out and not be judged and ridiculed for being different and individual. for being human. to every person who has ever made me feel inadequate i have only 2 words: fuck you. fuck you for making me feel bad about being different. you should feel bad for being the same. you should be so lucky to be as individual as i, to think for yourself, to act humanly. some people don't like acting for themselves. they like to let others do it for them. in this way, they reject their humanity. everyone has problems. big or small everyone has them. it's how you deal with them that makes you an inidividual, makes you who you are. it's the decisions you make and the things you say and think that create your individuality. our ability to think and take control of our lives and be different from other people is our single greatest asset as human beings. animals can't do that. we alone can use the reasoning part of our brain to overpower the primal, emotional part that causes us to act illogically and make bad decisions. the primal part is the part of the brain that makes us feel scared and alone and insecure about ourselves. it is the part that strives for acceptance and wants to please others so that they will like us. it is the reasoning part, the "higher brain power" we possess that makes us different than animals, makes us able to think outside the box and think for the betterment of human kind. to think for ourselves. dare to be different. or you will wake up one day and realize that you are nothing. people have asked me how i do it. how i stay sane and don't conform and don't numb myself and don't give in to southlake. i think for myself. i am my own person. and that is something that no one can take away from me. for all of you followers...hang on. and look inside of yourself. the answer is there. dig deep and you'll find the strength to break away and think for yourself.
Signs that you are a child of the 90's: (bold those you relate to)
1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCH!"2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-Sitters Club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WHOA" comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. Two words: M.C. Hammer.
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock."
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales".
12. You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen.15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House).
17. You wore a Jordache Jean jacket and you were proud of it.
18. L.A. Gear19. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten.
20. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books.21. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF."22. You wanted to be a Goonie.
23. You ever wore flourescent clothing.25. You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.26. You took lunch pails/boxes to school.27. You remember the CRAZE, lunch pails/boxes to school.27. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.28. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.29. You remember Hypercolor T-shirts.30. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
31. You used to pretend that you could transform into a Power Ranger.
32. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship bracelets.33. You owned a pair of jelly sandals.
34. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying "I know what you are, but what am I?"35. You remember "I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!"36. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
37. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip ‘n’ Slide.
3
8. You have ever played with a Skip-It. Many, many times ...39. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald’s.
40. You’ve gone through this list occasionally saying "totally awesome."41. You remember Popples. Still have them somewhere
42. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell," the ORIGINAL class..43. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights.4
4. You wore socks scrunched down.
45. "Miss MARY MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK"46. You remember boom boxes vs. CD players.
47. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"49. You remember watching Rainbow Brite and My Little Ponies.
50. You thought Doogie Howser was hotahahahaahaha the brilliance of old childhood memories. what i wouldn't give to have those good times back. compared to the 90's the 2000's suck ass. so boring. sigh...
the last post about school because grades are frozen
had the frankenstein test today. i am so excited. i am officially done with the demon langford's class for the year. now i only have to deal with the langford's class. allow myself to explain myself. :) you see, the demon langford gives us long quote/essay tests and makes us read stupid books like crime and punishment and frankenstein. see also:salyer's entire first semester last year. at any rate, we are officially done with all the books and evil assignments that i hate. i hate the romantic period. i don't like their books or their ideas. granted society is messed up and people need to relate with nature, but the answer is not to quit society and live in the woods. that's like giving up. no no. tis wrong. which is partly why i don't like romantic books. the other reason would obviously be the archaic diction and primitive literary devices. the froshadowing, imagery, and symbolism...ugh. its like getting beaten over the head by the obvious.
but that torture is behind us now. physics is essentially over, government is fun, french is blow off, and calculus is confusing but not evil. which reminds me that i think i failed my calc test. missed 5-6. out of 12. tis bad. but oh well. i'm just hoping scheffer takes mercy and grades kindly. at anyrate, the only things left for me to work for are scholarships and AP tests. i need money and as a perfectionist (and i must admit, a victim of hubris in this case) i feel the need to get straight 5's this year. as always. i don't want to ruin my perfect record. i think calculus will put a damper on that. and possibly econ. which reminds me i have an econ review session tomorrow. hmm. not looking forward to that. oh well. my own fault for signing up for the AP test.
we get to read waiting for godot in english! yay. and im still reading rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead. it is so funny. and i just found out a local plae is performing it this month. i think grace and i are gonna go to that. im so excited. and langford wants me to join the lit crit team for regionals as their 4th person since jeff has debate. so i guess i'll do that. i'll probably fai the test. miserably. but i get 2 days off school when i have nothing else going on (actually i'll probabl miss the last calc test but that's ok). ugh. i am NOT looking forward to that AP test. or any really. but i'm really worried about that one. physics i know i can get a 4 if i study and review and stuff. govt i know i can get a 5 if i study. econ i can get at least a 4. i want a 5 though so i'll have to study. english i know ill get a 5. conceited but i know but i kick ass on that test. so i'l be ok.
my frankenstein essay today was pretty good i thought. it was onl 2 pages but i was writing in print so it was smaller and a lot more condenced. it was only 2 paragraphs but i made my points quite well and had a thorough intro. so i think im fine. it was a 7-8 on the AP scale. i love how im so in tune with my own writing. im never surprised by my essay grades in there. unless i just dont try and am surprised that i still got a good grade. but usually i can turn the paper in and be like oh that was a 7. or that was a 6. or that was an 8. amazing. out of the 20 essay points available i think mine was a 17-20 depending on her mood and who's she read before mine. i might have missed one point on the short answer. and i missed 2 quotes (at least) and maybe one question. so that's a 85-88. plus the ten extra points. so im pretty sure i got a good grade on that test. which is good but its on next 6 weeks and grades are frozen so who cares.
bleh. govt test tomorrow. and i got a B in french this 6 weeks. i got 95, 88, and 97 for my test grades and i got an 88 in there. that tells me that she gives us a lot of stupid quiz grades that everyone fails. and i had a 100 daily average. my quiz avg was like a 77. and i got an 88. WTF. foreign language department's grading thing is so messed up. eh. im out of here in 2 months. im excited. i would go study for gov but i don't care. i'll just wing it and see what happens. probably a bad chapter to test this theory on because its detail oriented, but i never was one for making great decisions when it comes to being lazy and doing superfluous work.
hahah im free!!
i love shakespeare
i feel very strange. i don't know why or even how to describe it. just this strange feeling, as if something isn't quite right. not with me. but with like...the world or something. i don't know. i think it started when i woke up this morning. i just had this feeling. i was sitting there looking over some last minute stuff for the UIL competition today and i just had this weird feeling. i still do. and i don't know why. well, actually i know why its more noticable now, because i just finished watching the manchurian candidate with my parents. good movie. kind of creepy. i already saw it when it was in theatres and i remember that afterwards kristin and i were like... totally freaked out. i wouldn't recomend watching it at night because its one of those movies where you shouldn't be in the dark after you watch it. *shudders*. so i feel like i did then. kinda like something isn't right and there needs to be light. but see, i can't say its because of this movie because i felt like this when i woke up this morning. just not quite as defined. so i guess its like the movie just magnified things i was already feeling to the point where i could recognize them. sort of.
anyway, i don't know why i feel this. its as if something, somewhere, has gone horribly horribly wrong. like really bad. and i know something bad happened. to someone. somewhere. or something somewhere. but i just don't know what. its like the universe it out of wack. something's not aligned right. thats what it feels like. but i don't know why i'm feeling this. its kinda creepy. you ever get those eerie feelings, like somethings not quite right? but this is diferent. its like that, but it feels like its on a bigger scale. i don't remember what happened the last time i felt this. i don't think anything was horribly out of wack. ooh. it was in the fall. maybe it was me having forboding feelings about the election. and bush winning. and therefore throwing the universe out of wack!! or maybe just bush winning. hahaha. i doubt it. i don't know whats going on. i just know that something's not right.
i could look at the news but that won't help because they're always talking about some ridiculous tragedy that happened. i hate the news. they've gone just a bit too far with their fear agenda. it makes me rageous. so i boycott them and don't watch the news and aviod the tragedy articles. i'll skim them, sure, but i don't usually pay too much attention to them because i've some immune. too much tragedy makes the tragedies cease to be tragic. creates cynicism among the educated and fear among the ignorant. so i'm rather cynical when it comes to the news. bastards.
hmmm. the feeling has lessened. still there but less prominent. wow. this feeling is a fascinating. as am i for analyzing it like this. some people would just freak out if they got a feeling like this and go to the fortune teller and do all sorts of crazy stuff. other people would just ignore it. and others would become increasingly paranoid until the feeling went away. it would just get worse and worse until it never went away and then they would go crazy. but see me, i'm analyzing it. i'm like hhmm i feel like this. oh i wonder why. oh well that's very interesting. oh wait now i feel like this. a facsinating discovery! i'm so methodical. very strange. and see now i'm doing it again. i just analyze the problem and try to come up with a solution. if that doesn't work i'm just like oh ok that didn't work, oh well too bad next problem. i'm so weird. there is no doubt in my mind. that's he only conclusion i've come to. oh that's it! i'm wrong. i'm out of wack. crazy. well i'm glad that's settled. figured out whats wrong with the universe, it's me!!! totally out of wack. but not anymore. i'm back to normal now. i wonder what causes that, those feelings of out of wackness. i dunno. its crazy. it's a crazy world. maybe that's what the end of the world is like. everybody becomes out of wack at the exact same time. and then, KABLAM. the universe implodes. and then it all starts over again.
obviously the chances, mathematically, of that happening, are almost non existant. but statistically of course, it has to happen at some point. like the monkeys on the typewriter thing. you take one hundred monkeys and give them typewriters and they just bang away on the typewriters for all of eternity, they will, eventually, at some point, write down the entire works of shakespeare. it might take them awhile to get there, typing meaningless nonsense and all. but eventually, at some point, they MUST be able to do that. in all the meanlingless blather, there is that one instant of perfection. one moment where everything is the same, where everything makes sense. where everyone is synchronized to the same frequency at the exact same time. maybe that's when the universe implodes. when that single moment of perfection is reached. and then it goes back to blather until that next instance in time. for in an infinite amount of time, perfection can be achieved over and over and over again, an infinite amount of times. but maybe, in the time of...everything, it can only be achieved once. and once that happens, time/life/supernatural power/whatever is like oh ok, did that. next! and goes and does something else. maybe the entire purpose of the human race, the earth, the sun, the moon, the solar system, universe, everything, is to achieve that one moment of syncronization, of perfection, the shakespeare of life. or maybe i'm just crazy. hmm. interesting to think about. don't think about it too hard though. it'll drive you crazy. you WILL go insane. so just don't think about it. because we can't comprehend it. we weren't meant to, i don't think.
hmm. i'm going to stop thinking about it and go have a bowl of ice cream. and then read some of frankenstein which sucks. a lot. i hate it. lalalalala. i hate school. lalalala. i don't want to read it. i want to read something else. i cannot wait for thursday when we get to start Waiting for Godot. kicks frankenstein's ass back to least wednesday. score.
