my passionate declaration
i've had a deep week. well a deep week since thursday. so really just a deep last few days. I've been observing and thinking about a lot of different things: independent thinking, the beautiful numbness of getting mentally away from society, the boundaries that people use to isolate themselves and keep others out. and a few others. but mainly those.it all started thurday afternoon when i was watching who'd afraid of virginia woolf. i got to thinking about the beauty of numbing your mind and wrote a great little blog about it so of course blogger broke and ate it. i was rageous. i'll see if i can attempt to recreate the eloquency of that first entry but i wouldn't get my hopes up.
life is meaningless unless people give it meaning. there is a void that needs to be filled. everybody fills it in a different way. drugs, sex, alcohol, god, religion, friends, money, television, they all serve the same purpose. attempting to fill that emotional abyss in our hearts and minds. everybody fixes their problem in a different way. they find some way to deal with the meaninglessness that is their lives. they search for meaning by have one meaningless sexual experience after another, hoping for, searching for love and acceptance and human contact to make them forget the patheticness that is their lives. they go to church every week and get drunk on "god's love" and feel happy and loved for a few hours each week. they go to the bars and the parties and they get drunk and wasted and hungover and numb. they go and numb themselves. they don't have an inner strength. they have no individualness, no sense of self. they cannot deal with their lives, so they choose instead to find some way to escape from them, albeit if only temporarily. some people in our school drink and have sex and do immoral things. but the beauty of morals and individualness is indeed the individualness part. everybody has different moral standards. nobody can be properly judged by another's moral standards because of individualism and the fact that every person is different. these kids who go out and drink and do "immoral" things, they are lost. they have fallen down, they are so far down. and they are hanging on for dear life.
they do things that i don't agree with in the sense that i wouldn't do them. but you'll notice that a majority of the suicide cases don't drink or do drugs. they have no outlet. a few do. drink that is. but not usually. not as the norm. they might try it occasionally to escape from the bland banalness of their lives or as a way to try and fit in and feel loved. but many of them don't touch that stuff. they turn to it as a last resort. as a way to avoid what is, for them, the inevitable. to delay their suicide. and then they are chastized for it. for their "immoral" and whorish actions. leave them the fuck alone. they aren't as strong as some people. they don't have religion or strength. they have a bottle and some two cent tanorexic/insecure jock. and that's it. that's their meaning. kind of a crappy meaning by my standards and yours, but at least it's a meaning of some sort. at least they're trying. they're trying to live, in their own way, getting by from day to day not knowing really who they are or why they're here. let them get numb for one night. let them forget about everything and leave them alone. just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean you have to change it or make fun of them for it. i generally try to accept people who are different than i am. i might not agree with them and i might not like them but i will NOT judge them.
who am i to judge? who are YOU to judge them? what makes you so special? you're not that special. you're just different from them. you don't discrimminate racially, sexually, etc because you were taught that its wrong. discrimminating by action and meaning is wrong too. because these people are lost. and they have nowhere to turn. so let them turn to whatever they choose. it might not make them completely happy. but at least, for those few minutes when they're high or drunk or screwing some one night stand or whatever, they're numb to society. to that fucked up, superficial society that preaches individuality but enforces conformity and judges and hates and is prejudice and awful and meaningless.
somebody once asked me why people drink and do drugs and have sex, etcetera etcetera. they couldn't understand why anyone would want to be numb to life when it was so "wonderful" and so "beautiful". i hope this might have answered your question. an entry into the mind of a madwoman. *bitter laugh*. i endure it. not very well but i manage. sometimes i look up during the day and realize that i just want to get up and walk out of school an go get drunk and forget about symbolism and primaries and french passive voice and fortes and integrals. but i don't. i manage, somehow, to deal. to keep sane and sober. but i'm faltering. i wish, just for one night, i could be numb. i could feel nothing. i cold not feel this biting emptiness and coldness and loneliness and bitterness. sometimes im ok. i see the good things. i see the hope, the light at the end of the tunnel. but then sometimes, during school or on days like tonight i just want to be able to let loose and go out and not be judged and ridiculed for being different and individual. for being human. to every person who has ever made me feel inadequate i have only 2 words: fuck you. fuck you for making me feel bad about being different. you should feel bad for being the same. you should be so lucky to be as individual as i, to think for yourself, to act humanly.
some people don't like acting for themselves. they like to let others do it for them. in this way, they reject their humanity.
everyone has problems. big or small everyone has them. it's how you deal with them that makes you an inidividual, makes you who you are. it's the decisions you make and the things you say and think that create your individuality. our ability to think and take control of our lives and be different from other people is our single greatest asset as human beings. animals can't do that. we alone can use the reasoning part of our brain to overpower the primal, emotional part that causes us to act illogically and make bad decisions. the primal part is the part of the brain that makes us feel scared and alone and insecure about ourselves. it is the part that strives for acceptance and wants to please others so that they will like us. it is the reasoning part, the "higher brain power" we possess that makes us different than animals, makes us able to think outside the box and think for the betterment of human kind. to think for ourselves. dare to be different. or you will wake up one day and realize that you are nothing. people have asked me how i do it. how i stay sane and don't conform and don't numb myself and don't give in to southlake. i think for myself. i am my own person. and that is something that no one can take away from me. for all of you followers...hang on. and look inside of yourself. the answer is there. dig deep and you'll find the strength to break away and think for yourself.
posted by kellyisdelightful @ 10:44 PM
4 Comments:
ah, it seems you have stumbled onto something that I have also spent a lot of time thinking about; however, I don't totally agree with you.
The primal, emotional part of our brain is what makes us whole as human. Animals know how to survive; we, as humans, were not only given the ability to make decisions but also the free will as to how we make those decisions, and I know many people that make decisions based off of their emotions.
Now, this might not be the best policy, but what would we be without it? The emotions that tug on our brain and tell us that we want to fit in are the same emotions that allow us to love and care for others. You're right, we do have to think for ourselves, but at the same time, straying too far from these emotions would also deny who we are as humans...
a fair point matt, i see what you're getting at. i don't completely agree but i don't completely disagree either. i guess my point is that humans' brains allow them to make their decisions based on reason and emotion and by just using one or the other, we are denying out humanity. by just using our emotions we are acting as animals do but by just using reason we are forgeting a part of what makes us human. i guess in that context i agree with you. my issue is with the people who are off balance completely, who use almost no logic and all emotion and vice versa. logic is meant to control emotion and use it properly not to overpower it. the problem for all of us is to figure out the correct ratio...
I agree with you, Kelly. When emotions are allowed to run rampant, people get hurt. It may feel good, but it hurts people. It's the ability to overpower that emotion and keep it in check that shows how psychologically mature someone is.
Sounds very The Sun Also Rises-ish to me. I keep meaning to reread that book. It makes many, many good points. Just as you did.
You and me. We need to go clubbing. Get whorish shirts and spend a night out, just forgetting who we are and letting go. Not completely, but enough to where there are no longer pressures or stress.
Let me know if you're up for it and we'll conspire.
Good luck with the rest of the weekend and with the last six weeks. I'm right there with you.
ahahah pam...YES!!! i've converted you!! you are truly a BIG FAT WHORE!!! i love it. you just made my day... a ha ha
Post a Comment
<< Home