the Hours of sound and fury
today i came home from school determined to not be distracted and work diligently on my research paper. but it was 3:00 and mary wasn't coming over until 4. i couldn't really do anything without her, so i decided to wait by having some Odwalla and channel surfing. i discovered Cleopatra (1963 with Elizabeth Taylor) on one of the movie channels. wow. what aan amazing movie. I only saw the last hour or so, but it was amazing. i am now so determined to see the rest of it. i think it was shakespeare's story with normal english, but im not sure since i haven't read Antony and Cleopatra. I also want to read that. And Henry V. I'm just too busy right now. But I was just so moved by that movie, even though I only saw part of it. Obviously its a love story, but Antony reminds me of Hamlet in that he's trying to balance having both love and honor; he can't live without love, but he can't survive without honor and he wants to die honorably. OMG. it was just so incredible. i think it was the acting. I'm totally gonna see it again though. totally worth the effort. after that movie, I found it totally impossible to focus on our research project. so i kind of sat there in a daze while Mary wrote our conclusion. then i started thinking about the meaning of life, and how its all really meaningless unless we define things with meaning and make it meangingful. then i started thinking about Cold Mountain (the movie and the book). I don't know why. i was thinking about it yesterday, about how the ending was so sad. so i looked at, but whatever i was looking for wasn't in there. when i went i went to put it back on the shelf, convinced i was just overthinking things, i suddenly spotted The Sound and The Fury. i picked it up and started flipping through it. i turned to Quentin's section and read the first paragraph and i was like whoa. i finally really understood what Faulkner was saying. then i flipped to the front of the book where i had the written the passage from Macbeth where the title comes from. After reading it, i suddenly understood what Shakespeare was saying. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about:Life is but a walking shadowA poor playerThat struts and frets his hour upon the stage,And then is heard no more. It is a taleTold by and idiotFull of sound and fury,Signifying nothing.[V.v.18-27. Macbeth]I never really understood how that related to Faulkner's message until today. When we read it last year, Mrs. Salyer had told us it was about Faulkner telling the South to move forward and stop living in the past; it was about the corruption of honor and the decay of Southern ideals. in part, it was. but not in whole. that was kind of like the top layer. I finally figured out that the entire novel is talking about the absolute meaninglessness of life. Benji is the idiot who begans the tale; he cannot comprehend the meaninglessness of his life because he doesn't understand time or people or his emotions. Quentin is the one who realizes his own life's meaninglessness; he is obsessed with time, with time running out, and with not being able to escape time. he is aware of his waning time in life, afraid of wasting it, and believes that since he has no honor or meaning in his life, that it isn't worth living. which explains his suicide. Jason's life is meaningless because his given meaning is meaningless; he is obsessed with money and material wealth. Caddy's life has no meaning because Miss Quentin is the only thing she cares about, the only thing that really gave her life meaning. Until her daughter was born, Caddy tried to fill that void with sex, but until she is a mother she really has nothing to live for. And that is taken from her by her mother. Caroline cares about no one but herself and therefore her life has no meaning because she is a pathetic, mean old hag. Jason Sr. fills the void with alcohol and Dilsey with God. I think Faulkner's meaning definately goes beyond the deacy of the South. why else the title's allusion? life is nothing but noises and emotions that mean nothing unless one makes them; without ambition, emotion, drive, morals, and meaning, it is merely composed of "sound and fury." Totally existential in message, though Quentin and Jason Sr. talk about nihlism. I just now really saw that. All because i was thinking about the existentialism in Cleopatra. Its amazing that all of these things- a movie from the 60's, a novel from the early 1900's, and a play from 500 year ago all interrelate so much. granted both of the modern works were based on the ideas in plays from 500 years ago, but that's not the point. Shakespeare really knew what he was talking about. I mean, i always knew he was a genius, but i've had a epiphemy today. the only problem is how to find this meaning. it has to be lasting and meaningful or else there is nothing. and i realize that i currently have nothing. i only have distractions to help me pass the time between realizations of this nothingness. how can someone live like that? Kierkegard said that existentialists/agnostics/atheists couldn't live unless they either took a leap of faith (like Christianity) or took their own lives. He didn't believe existance was possible without belief in some higher power. But he also said what you do is more important than your spiritual soul; what you do with your existence proves who you are. That a person must be prepared to defy society in order live a personally valid life. To give up everything to live in a way that defines your own moral code. But then what am i to do? leave everyone and everything i know in order to define my existence? please myself above others? contradict my ideals? In The Hours Laura Brown and Virginia Woolf chose this option but Meryl Streep's character took the leap by defining herself by pleasing those around her. Maybe some other existential opinions will shed some light on this area:Heidigger was a true agnostic who believed we would never know why we are here so me must choose a good, follow it passionately but with the awareness of the ultimate meaninglessness of life and one's ultimate death. But how to choose the correct good? How can i choose the one that will be right for me for the rest of my life? How can i possibly be responsible enough to make that decision? I'm lnot even egally responsible enough to drink. I know adults who are more irresponible than i am. even though its my life, i dont think im ready to make a decision that will ultimately decided whether i live or die (that is emotionally live or die). I know Sarte doesn't hold the answer either. He empasized choice and responsiblilty. He believe we could choose whatever we wanted for this "passion" so long as by doing it, we could accept responsibility for all of mankind in doing so. We could sit there and say, if I do it, it is morally acceptable for everyone to do it. How can someone accept that responsibilty? make a moral decision for all of mankind? Say that this is ok for everyone to do? Essentially take responsibility for the moral failure of mankind if you make a bad decision? how can anyone do that?All of these philosophers. How did they do it? they didn't kill themselves and Kierkegard is the only one who turned to religion.Him and Doestoyevsky, who offers an answer in his works: Christianity. In both Crime and Punishment and The Brothers Karamazov. His idea is that the only thing that can save humanity from nothingness is Christian love and that we must love life more than the meaning of it. I just can't say i agree with that. Chrisitianity is just some people's answer to defining life; they use it for their meaning and passion. But what am I to do? I can never turn to that religion. I just can't. I was raised that way, ever since I was little, and i just never believed it. I can't accept something I see as lies as the key to the meaning of life. Between Christianity and death, I choose death. wow. very Hours-ish. Very Virginia Woolf. I believe hers was "i choose not the suffocating anesthesia of the suburbs but the violent jolt of the city...between the suburbs and death, I choose death." Maybe I just need the city. I know this past summer in St Louis was the most amazing week of my life. I love that city. but i can't base my life's meaning on a city. that's worse than religion. that's worse than choosing money or anything else. I'm looking for another way out, but I don't see one yet. I know I'm too young to know what my place is yet; i know its not Southlake. I know i want to teach. I know i won't know until im older what path i will choose (or what was chosen for me?). I only know that all i have is my morals. I have my friends and my family. But thats not what im talking about. Thats support. Thats not meaning. All I have is sound and fury. how do i make the meaningless noise become music? how can i make sense of the chaos? i want to take control but im running out of ideas, time, options. graduation is looming ready to sweep away the only things familiar to me. when im away at college what will there be? i mean, sure i'll make new friends. and my family will be there for me if i need them. But will I be there for me? or will i fall, drown in my own doubts, questions and confusion? be beaten to death by the idiot. i think thats why people go crazy (the emotional ones anyway, not the ones with chemical imbalances). they choose objective observer rather than particpator. They choose to watch rather than participate. The people who kill themselves choose to quit and never because they believe the game stupid and meaningless. I'm not a quitter. and I'm not an observer. but right now I'm on the bench ready to go in and im not sure im emotionally ready to go in. im not sure i really know how to play. I don't know if I can handle this responsibility. I was reading this book where one character said that, and the other one turned to him and said yes you can. and you will. because you have to. you have no other option. you will handle it or you will die. and if i can't handle it and i give up, than what am i saying? according to Sarte, i am saying that i believe it is ok for the world to give up. according to Kierkigard and Dostoyevsky, i am becoming a Christian. Or killing myself. and according to Heidigger I am merely choosing to live in a lonely, incomprehensble, and indifferent world. Though on the plus side, according to Nietzsche, I am living the way i was meant to and fulfilling my purpose for existence, thereby giving my life meaning. that by giving up and accepting failure, i am defining things with meaning. interesting theory, but not my bag of chips. I don't know the answers. I know that if I don't find out soon, I'm going to drive myself crazy trying to figure everything out. I also know that I won't be finding out for awhile, and by looking for the answers, I am merely delaying my revelations. If I could just back off and relax I think I would be OK. But if I do that, I fear I will be doomed. It's my responsibility and no one elses to give my own life meaning, to make things worthwhile. I don't know what to do. I'm drowning here in the aenesthetic of the suburbs.I need to get out of Southlake. For I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs but the violent jolt of the capitol...between Southlake and death, I choose death.
political rant
So tonight was interesting. I was wathcing Farenheit 9/11 with my family. I'd already seen it, so it wasn't quite as gripping as I remembered (2 hour documentaries tend to be like that the 2nd or 3rd time you see them), but it was still very good. I ended up leaving halfway through to go do something else (I left in the middle of the Iraq War footage of children with missing body parts because of America's innacurate bombing), but the movie still got me thinking. I had forgotten some of the things Moore said in this film. I remembered the big things, but I had forgotten many of the details. It was really quite amazing to watch parts of it again and remember, with renewed hatred, what Bush has done to this country. It makes me so mad. There are just so many secrets, lies, frauds, coinicidences, economic ties between the Bush and Bin Laden families, profits made by the Bin Ladens, Saudi royal family, and the Bush family because of September 11. There's just so much crap; the administration claims to care about the people (of America), but they're really just screwing us over in order to please foreign investors. These businessmen turned politicians are still focused on making money. That's their only realy purpose. Ugh. I am just so mad. I could...spit. For those of you who haven't seen Farenheit 9/11, you really should. I'm not saying that everything Michael Moore says is true, but I think all of his facts are correct. His theories and opinions...well, I wouldn't put it past the administration, but you can all decide that for yourselves. The point is, if you haven't seen it, you should. Even if you currently think its lies. Especially if you think this. Now I've been primarily talking about the Bush administration, Sept. 11, and the Saudi oil conglomorates. They make me mad, its true. But what makes me even madder is this damn war we're fighting- if you can even call invading another country and forcing our will upon them fighting a war. Firstly let me say that I did/do not support the regime Saddaam Hussein had in place. And I think something needed to be done to address that. By the UN. Not us. Same with Afghanistan. I don't agree with us going in there either; why not Saudi Arabia? More than half of the Sept 11 bombers were Saudis, not Afghanis. Saudi Arabia's govt. also has ties to terrorism. And they have oil (like Iraq). Unfortunately, the Saudi royal family has secured their country for quite some time due the billions of dollars they have invested in our country's economy. we go in there, our economy will go into cardiac arrest. which is why we chose Iraq and Afghanistan. Easier targets. Good for oil (Iraq), good for our (Bush's) image (afghanistan), good for economy (lie, but people believed it). It's ridiculous. Ugh. I'm just so incredibly frustrated and disillusioned right now. I want to make changes, but I think America is past help. I think the time of our empire is waning; our government is becoming corrupt (much like Rome's), we're losing worldwide support and respect, and we're starting fights we can't finish. My theory is that by the end of our lives, this country will be close to crumbling. it won't be the self claimed most successful form of government in the world, which is unfortunate, because people who believe we are a democracy will become disillusioned with this type of rule. What most people don't realize is that we're a republic. If American democracy fails, it will have the same effect as the failure of communism in the Soviet Union. people now believe communism doesn't work; in reality, no one knows if it works or not because no country has avery truly had communism. What russia/USSR practiced was NOT communism. It was a brutal dictatorship that spiraled out of control when it did not follow it's communist creed. Likewise, if the US dies, democracy may die with it. This is very upsetting for me because i truly believe that some form of democracy is best. which is why I am disillusioned with this country right now. because we aren't a democracy. We are destroying ourselves by electing people like Bush who hurt our country, people, world, and environment like this. These people aren't friends of freedom, democracy, and humanity, but rather of money. that's all they know and carfe about. If our time continues to wane, it is our own fault. Lack of eduication. Dishonest politicians. Group think. Religion. Yes, whether you believe me or not, reliegion is causing serious problems in our govt. It dictates the way people vote. The religious right elected Bush; proof (in my opinion) that people should vote with their heads and not their religion (if that's possible; for some it is not). That's why Jefferson wanted "a wall of separation" between the church and state. But we don't have a wall. we don't really have anything. Just an inconsistant amendment. The other day, my dad was talking to me and telling me how he had been asked the question "If our Founding Fathers were alive today (or whatever) and they saw our country, what would they think/do/say?". I said I thought they'd start another revolution. I really think they would. We've strayed so far from our ideals...i don't even know what to call our type of government anymore. I'm just so mad. I really, truly, honestly hope I get into McGill. I can't take this much longer. Not only am I stuck in this country with a government I don't really trust or agree with sometimes, I'm stuck in one of the reddest states around. Texas. Ugh. enough said. I hope whereever I end up going, its not here. I hope I have that choice. i don't know how I'll survive another 4 years of this. You might daying I'm being overdramatic, but only another true liberal would know what I'm feeling right now. The isolation. Loneliness. Aliennation. Take Government for example. Half of the stuff Mrs. Eyer says I don't agree with or want to comment on, but I have to hold back, because I know that would only spark a fight in the class. It would be everyone versus me. Because no one has anywhere near the same political ideologies as I do. I mean, just between me, Pam, and Aaron Kane there would be a huge debate. A Liberal (me), a Libertarian (Aaron), and a Populist (Pam according to the ideology test we took) would be so incredibly opposite it wouldn't even matter what the rest of the class thought. Honestly we could argue starting tomorrow and go until the day we died from old age and our views our still so different that we wouldn't even come close to agreeing on anything. I know during 1st block Mark Knowles (who is about the same as me) speaks up, but he has Brian Comartin there to back hiom up. I have nothing. And I'm so sick of fighting everyone on these issues. I'm so sick of suddenly being forced to stand up for my beliefs and jsutify them. I don't want this fight right now, especially not during Government. I wish I had Mark or Brian (or whoever else is that liberal) there to back me up so I could speak my mind. Because I know I often don't agree with this stuff. But Mrs. Eyer, like, forgets, or just ignores it. During her discussions she'll talk about the middle opinion, the conservative opinion, and then touch on the libertarian and populist opinions. THen she'll be like," oh yeah the liberals...but we don't have any in here do we?"me: " well I am" erik (at the same time): "yeah, wasn't that kelly?" other people (same as me and erik): i thjought we had some liberals in here" mrs eyer (speaking over us): "no? ok, moving on."don't get me wrong. I like mrs eyer. her class is usually fun. but when it comes to talking about parties and ideologies, i just always feel completely aliennated. wow. this blog got kind of off topic. oh well. its all related. im tired of this. of all of it. i quit. i'm going to bed.
sexual magnetism
wow. my brain is totally fried. after today, i will never do drugs because now i know what it feels like to have your brain turned into spaghetti and then scrambled around inside your skull for a few hours. it all started after school today. i got lazy and decided to veg rather than doing my hw. finally, after an intense episode of the OC, i started my english (finishing my research paper, crime and punishment, and the paradise lost questions) and my french (write and essay in french and do six thousand workbook exercises). going from the OC mindset to AP English mindset in a time period of under two hours is extremely dangerous. i did it in 8 minutes. not smart. i feel very out of it. dazed and confused. out cold. (for those of you who caught both of the puns, kudos).
i've decided that this weekend, i'm going to do something good. something worthwhile. imk not going to waste my entire weekend doing nothing (like 2 wks ago) or totally consumed with homework (last weekend). im breaking free. i don't know what i want to do, but i know it will involve deep and meaningful thinking. i've been so busy lately, i haven't really had time to philosophize (is that the right word?). i've ended up doing most of this deep think during calculus, but its random and wierd and i think im driving matt crazy with my deep, life altering questions, like "is it still illegal for a person over 18 to date a person under 18 if the person who is over 18 is a genius child with the brain capacity of a 34 year old who takes college courses?". the baffled expression on his face was worth it though; i guess he's just been having confusing girl trouble all day :). at anyrate, im going to have some me time this weekend. maybe i'll get my nails done or something. i know that sounds totally southlake and cliche, but you all know what i mean.
today was actually a good day at school. after a refreshing nap in calculus and an interesting lunch discussion, i went to government. besides the fake quiz (i felt so used!), it was great. all through mrs. eyer's lecture, some other people and myself kept making little comments. not bad ones or anything, just helpful, provocative, and funny little tidbits. the great part was i really felt a connection between me and this other person who was making said comments. it was wierd, but everytime he said something, or whatever, he would look over at me and smile.
the best part about this was that most of the comments were meant for me, as in, no one else got them and he looked right at me when he said them. it was like a whole other level of communitcation. very nice. i'll have to investigate this more; i've been noticing an increase in this sort of thing over the past week or two, and today it was just like ok. there is no question about it. he was saying that stuff for me, to me. plus he's kind of been doing this during physics, but i dont think as much. or maybe i just don't notice because he sits behind me. at any rate...today was a good day. until i got home and fried my brain. by the way, for those of you who understand all of the puns in the title of this blog (there are three by my count), you get a prize. for those of you who don't...well thats a shame. my jokes are so often wasted on the uneducated...so sad.
writers block
im trying to write my paper for english. its not going well. actually, to be correct, im trying to write my part of the paper for english. mary's doing the other part (or is going to anyway). i've got writers block. i can't seem to get past it. i have to write one paragraph on the critic's interpretation of Dante as metaphorical and write one about how the metaphorical interpretation is more applicable to modern day life. this thing is due on fri and we aren't even close to finishing. i can't seem to connect with this essay. there's no emotion here, a maj probolem since the emotion is what makes my essays. mary's key is content. not that her essays are bad; they're good. but hers are more pedantic and mine are more emotional. how are we going to write this essay? how are we going to combine 2 writing styles that are so different and contradicting? we even interpret our own thesis differently. we both wrote an introduction using the same thesis, and the intros could have been used for two completely seprarate papers. it was amazing. i don't know what we're going to do. i need to write about how Dante's ideas presented in the Inferno are applicable to modern day life. well thats not too bad. i know the ideas. i know that Dante uses a trip through hell to symbolize the turmoil and hellish aspects of both his life and society at the time. and i know how that relates to modern day life: the political and social corruption, the drug use, the lack of vision, etc, etc. but i can't put it into formal writing. its like my essay is in thought form, and i can't figure out how to translate it into actual words. its just feelings, thoughts, and emotions. normally, thats how i write my essays, but i can't seem to do that tonight. i need a muse...
dying and hacking up crap.
well today has been an interesting day. productive, deep, and slightly lazy. i found out i made a 94 on my physics test and an 88 on calc; both better than i thought they would be. my french test today was good; i actually knew my vocab and verbs, amazing. i layed outside this afternoon and did some calc. didn't even get burned, probably the most amazing part of my day. and then i had a nap, had dinner, and finished my physics extra credit project. overall a very good day. now the deep part. i was reading my friend's blog, and left a lovely comment. it was very deep and mature. i don't know how to put the link in, but its on heathness. so you can find it if you want. i am ill. i have a chest ailment of some sort. my voice is croaky, my nose is running, i feel slightly congested, and i occasionally hack up crap. strangly, i don't feel sick at all. i feel fine, i just have trouble talking and breathing (minor problems). i still have some hw left. english research rough draft and a little govt. reading. and some calculus problems. i just really don't feel like doing it tonight. on the bright side, i don't have to come to school tomorrow until 12. the jrs are mad, but come on. it's like, and easy, hour long test and then a free period to talk unless you have an idiot in your room who takes the full 4 hours. i have a feeling tomorrow will be very unproductive as far as school is concerned. hmmm...what else? i had some deep thoughts earlier, but they have passed and don't seem to be coming back anytime soon. i'll have to write them down when they do. so wow. this is like the 2nd or 3rd boring blog in a row. i guess when im stressed with school and dying of a chest cold i don't think as many deep thoughts. interesting.
hmm...interesting day. far more productive than last weekend. went to solo and ensemble and made a 1 on both my solo and ensemble. always good. we get to go to state for our quartet, which is cool because state is always lots of fun. we didn't play our ensemble that great, but the judge cut us some slack; nice guy. i went to best buy and got my MP3 player; very exciting. i'm currently putting CDs on my computer so i can transfer them after the battery's done charging. it's a pretty cool player. i decided to get the Creative Zen Micro; it got the best reviews and is supposed to be better than the ipod minis- same size but more memory and a few other fun features. so thats good. hmm...i guess since i haven't posted in a few days i should give a quick update. thursday was boring. i just spent the entire day studying for my three tests on friday. i had to tape the OC, which i have yet to watch. friday i had my three tests. i thought physics went really well, but everyone else thought it was incredibaly hard. maybe because i had it last year it made it easier to understand, or maybe i thought i knew what was going on but i really didn't. so i think i did well,but im not sure so im gonna do the extra credit thing tomorrow. calculus went pretty well. i missed 3 problems, but i think i'll get a lot of partial credit, so hopefully my grade won't be too low. govt went pretty well. i knew most of the anwsers before i read them, but there were a few where i was like wtf mate? but there'll be a curve, so no worries there. then mary and i went to starbucks to work on our research paper rough draft. got almost nothing accomplished, so i'll have to do my portion tomorrow. then we went to dinner at Macaronni Grill- so good. i had the best seafood pasta dish. oh man. then we went and chilled at Grace's and watched Not Another Teen Movie. I thought it was funny because I picked up on all the little stuff and had seen almost all of the movies they spoofed; only enjoyable if you know what they're making fun of. and that was the past few days. so...in retrospect, pretty boring last few days. pretty much consumed by schoolwork. not too stressful this weekend, which is a nice break after friday. the stress level on friday kiond of compares to the stress level during May last year when we had AP Tests and SAT in the same week. Only more because these grades actually count. i can't just retake the test or not show them to the colleges...pain in the butt, this whole school thing. bleh. my brother just came in and asked whether he should read The Killer Angels or Alas Babylon for school. no comparison; Killer Angels is good, but Alas Babylon is AWESOME. I'm so excited that he's reading it; most definately one of my all time favorite books. not the fav, but definately top 10. anyway, pretty boring blog. all description and no deep thoughts. here, i'll fix that:Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.there. that's a good deep thought. haha. i love jack handy. ok, end of blog.
well. today was somewhat productive. went to school. learned some stuff during all of my classes. turned in my band uniform. had a rehersal with Diane for solo and ensemble. actually did my homework for french and english. contemplated getting a headstart on my homework for today's classes. e-mailed my tring host a fun e-mail. avoided being too productive. not too bad. i'm still contemplating what to call my poem. im thinking either "the bell jar", "trapped", "escape", "my own prison", "my so-called life", or "sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air". the first and last ones are lovely allusions to Plath's novel. i think i am going to use the last one. yes. i like it. my detachment has again temporarily left. government was very interesting today. mrs. eyer lectured the whole time but did not manage to make me feel completely devoid of emotion or out of touch with reality. so that was a plus. im not sure whether or not mrs. tyler will have the same effect as last class. its possible. but, maybe not. we have woodwind sectional with mr fox tomorrow. that will be interesting. it will be productive but he is gonna be livid because we will surely be out of tune. i have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to get there in time. bleh. i've been listening to Incubus' Crow Left of the Murder CD today. i like very much. i have discovered the song "Here in my Room". it is very good. heath, you would like this CD. mellow, meaningful, yet also has several lovely rock ballads. its a very earthen CD. well im off to officially confuse myself trying to get ahead on studying for my test on fri. i have three. physics, calculus, and government. all in a row. i don't know how im going to make it through government because physics always makes me tired and stresses me out and calculus turns my brain into spaghetti. so i'll be tired, nervous, confused, stressed out, and unable to think clearly by the time i get to eyer's class. that should be interesting. bah to school!
"sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air"
another strange day. time stood still during band. english was ok; nothing spectacular. french was...well french. i do not like that class. last year was so much fun, this year is just awful. my detachment is back. this time it was mrs. tyler's fault....or at least im blaming it on her because it was during her class. she could make it interesting if she really tried. anyway, i got completely bored and decided to write a poem. it was very good. i made an allusion to The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, one of my favorite books. my detachment reminded me of a part in the book where she talks about being trapped under a glass bell jar; it was a very good allusion. unfortunately, no one will get it unless they read the book. oh well. im mad though, because i can't come up with a title. it was bothering me greatly. i have no idea what to call this poem. i think i will bring my poetry folder to school tomorrow in case i become inspired again; afterall, it was government that started this whole mess, and i have government tomorrow. so we shall see. i checked TCU's AP credit policy, and i could have up to 38 hours of credit for my tests if i go there. i also got into their Honors Program today; that was exciting. they want me. :)anyway, i decided to get an MP3 player; more convienent than carrying my CD's everywhere. i think im gonna get the Creative Zen Micro except i have to wait because Best Buy is sold out and no other place i know of carries them. i suppose i could check Wal Mart and Target....well just Target. i hate Wal Mart and refusew to shop there. damn sexists. i've also decided i offically hate valentine's day...at least while im single. i think if im ever not single on valentine's day though, im going to insist that my date do something original and not give in to the blatent consumerism this holiday supports; no flowers, no candy, and no tacky cards. something truly thoughtful that accually supports the idea of valentine's day. flowers smell good and chocolates are yummy, but i would rather he took the time to be original and get me something that actually means something. isn't that the whole point of the holiday? pizza and a rented movie on the couch would be perfect if he picked out a movie he knew i liked and got a joe's pizza. that would be better than ten dozen roses; it would show he was thinking. anwyay, all the companies that exploit holidays make me sick. between halloween, christmas, valentine's day, mother's/father's day, and the 4th of July, the greeting card companies stand to make a fortune because people are lazy and can't think of anything truly romantic to say by themselves. maybe thats why the divorce rate is so high in this country. the emotion is gone. wouldn't surprise me; half of the population is on prescription drugs, and a high percentage of those drugs are moods pills; "happy" pills like prozac. our country is so fucked up. i want to move to canada. i hope i get into mcgill. bleh. onto physics.
the best movie in the entire world
wow...boring day. did very few things that were productive by choice. homework, fafsa, and making dinner were about it, and only because i had to. i spent most of the day lounging and listening to the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. wow. there are some great songs on that CD. im rocking to it right now. "girl...you'll be a woman soon" by Urge Overkill is seriously the best song i have ever heard in my entire life. it wins the gold star for the day.i watched Pulp Fiction last night. most definately my new favorite movie. i can't really explain why; the movie is full of violence, profanity, drug use, and other inappropriate things, but it is just so good. i think Quentin Tarentino is truly a genius. i felt the same way about Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2. both of those movies were very violent, but also incredibly good. i can't put their appeal into words, or even understand why i like them. i guess its the emotional connection i form with the characters; they are esay to relate to even though their situations are ones i would never be in myself. i would never overdose on cocaine, or be married to a crime lord, or accidentaly kill a guy in a moving car, or become an assasin and then seek revenge on my former boss/boyfriend. completely unrealistic for me. yet i feel a connection with the characters. wierd.also, i have also decided that Uma Thurman is one of my favorite actresses, if not my favorite. she just brings this great quality to all of Tarentino's characters that she plays. maybe thats why i like Tarentino's movies so much; the acting is superb in all of them. my favorite scene from Pulp Fiction is actually this scene between Mia and Vincent, Uma and John Travolta. they have a new movie coming out; most definately need to go see that. maybe i'll drag heath along; she'd probably like it.so, anyway, Pulp Fiction is like the best movie ever. i don't know why. it just is. i really want to see Resevoir Dogs now. its supposed to be good too.well, not a deep and introspective blog, mainly because i didn't do a lot this weekend. on the plus side, my detached feeling has gone away. i think they went away last night after i finished watching Pulp Fiction. i still have no idea what caused them, but they have gone away for the time being. so i guess next time mrs. eyer's government class makes me feel completely detached from the world, i will go home and watch a incredibly violent, profane, and inappropriate yet very good movie about drugs, murders, and crime lords. very strange cure. probably the signs of some psychopathic tendancies. oh well.
bleh
today was somewhat eventful. got up. ate breakfast. showered. ran some errands. went to best buy and got the New Found Glory self-titled album; its pretty good. im rocking out to it right now. then i went to the UIL competition in Denton. ms. grey was driving us; scary and cool cus she multitasks a bit too much for my tastes but she has a really nice car. at the competition we got our butts kicked. i didn't know the answers to half the questions, or the people mentioned in them, and megan didn't know the people who the people the essay was asking about were. that was not so good. then my dad and i had dinner and took a couple of hours putting pictures on a CD for NCL. ugh. i have a NCL meeting tomorrow. i hate running the meetings because everybody just wants to talk all the time and no one listens. the whole point of the organization is to help us act more adult and mature and become more aware of the problems of those around us, yet most of the girls could care less and act like they're little kids. they get offended when asked to be quiet, gossip, talk about people behind their backs, and complain about everything. i'm just like rar. and no cares about the chartitable part of the organization, they just care about socializing. i just wish they would learn to be more polite and considerate of others. now for the deep/meaningful/introspective part of the blog entry. i've been feeling very strange lately. i don't mean like sick strange, but emotionally strange. i feel like i can't relate to anyone around me. its very strange. it really reminds me of some of the scenes in Garden State; i just find myself sitting there wondering why am i talking to these people? why am i here? why am i not doing something i really enjoy? don't get me wrong, i like history and i enjoy doing the UIL team. but after the test today, kristin and kaki and i were sitting there and we were talking but it was like i wasn't there. i mean, they wern't ignoring me, but i felt very detached. i think that's my feeling of the week this week: detached. i am choosing to blame mrs. eyer because it was during her class yesterday that this whole emotionally detached feeling started. i mean, obviously its not her fault, but she is currently the person i am associating this whole problem with because she was lecturing about Supreme Court cases when this started. so i am currently blaming her. today has just been bleh. i haven't really done anything productive, unless you count reading some of Crime and Punishment without falling asleep. i guess thats quite an accomplishment by my standards. ugh, i have to finish part IV for tues, memorize my solo, learn my ensemble, fill out scholarship and financial aid forms, go to NCL, work on my research paper some, study for french (i hate that class), do physics problems and study for the quiz, and do a buttload of calculus problems because i am seriously behind on hw in that class. bah to school!man what a list. whatever happened to actually having a break over the weekend? i mean, christmas break was the only time i didn't really have homework besides some english. i could actually relax. i wish i could do that again. i am so stressed with all this school work. i like my teachers...well most of them anyway, but they are just no fun when it comes to giving us a break for a day or two. its just this constant pressure and tons of work. i like learning and bettering myself, but some of this stuff is completely unproductive. well, i mean most of it is helpful except for french which is just busywork and calculus, which is helpful, but a little much on the sheer amount of hw problems he gives us. i love scheffer, but those problems are like getting run over by a truck. well, enough of my complaining. im off to do something productive; can't waste the whole day now can i?quote of the day: kristin: "if i were a prostitute, my name would be princess leigha...you know, lay-a.hahaha!"
i just finished watching On The Waterfront. pretty interesting movie about the corrupt people who used to take take advantage of the poor, minimum wage laboreres. in the end the main character ends up testifying against the mob and making everything ok again. even though terry, the main character, is in danger, he still testifies because he knows its the right thing to do. kind of says something for doing the right thing, even if its hard. inspires you to be a better person. It really reminded me of this Howard Zinn book im reading that deals with people who stood up against the big corporations and corrupt unions during the earl 1900's. what these people went through to get decent wages and worker's rights is beyond comprehension. They were beaten, jailed, killed, and dioscriminated against. In Colorado police took out almost an entire town full of laborers. growing up in such a priviliged town makes you ignorant of the corruption and poverty that plagues this country. i feel so badly, because I know that some part of the money i live off of, or the clothes i buy, the food i eat, well some of it was gained at the expense of some big corporation taking advantage of poor people and the fact that they are desparate for a few bucks. i hate to see the companies jipping the workers just so they can have a bigger profit.it just really pisses me off that the government doesn't take more action to help the poor person, to give individuals their rights back. I mean, sure there's a few choice exceptions, but its certainly no the norm. it makes me so mad. i wish there were more laws and regulations that helped these people out. i feel so completely helpless; all these hours of community service and not one hour has really helped someone who truly, desparetly needed it. I didn't go out and help homeless people, or tsunmai victims, or a single mother with two kids or anything; i got my hours helping people in Southlake, who, let's face it, don't need it. i just want to live in a way that helps other people, that really makes a positive difference in the world. i don't want it to be meaningless. i don't care about the money. i don't want to end up some rich person who is head of a business that does nothing to help people who really need it. the love of money has corrupted this entire country; possibly beyond repair. i want to make changes. i want to do things with my life. i sit there in school, sometimes learning nothing, doing nothing, and i can't help but thinking how many betterb things i could be doing for society. i could be feeding the poor, helping educate others about the corruption and struggles, anything but nothing, which is what i feel like im doing everyday in some of these classes. i can't wait for college.i guess there's not much i can do right now but educate myself on ways i can help achieve these things. anyways, time for bed; got to get up early for an academic competition tomorrow.
random thoughts
interesting. i don't know what provoked me to start one of these things. i figured, what the hell? might as well have a place to record all of the random crap that floats through my head. i don't really know what i'm supposed to be saying. i watched Gross Pointe Blank earlier. really good movie. i like it a lot. it reminded me of Garden State, what with the whole existential-i-don't-know-who-or-why-i-am thing. i highly recomend it. school was wierd today. i found myself confused during physics, tired during calculus, and completely devoid of emotion during government. I usually enjoy government but for some reason i couldn't get into it today. i almost felt detached. strange. tomorrow we have a academic competition...i think we'll do ok despite the fact that ms. gray has noted (quite accurately i might add) that we "don't seem to know anything". luckily for us, i don't think anyone alse knows anything either. i don't really know how to work this thing, so anyone with any helpful advice...please let me know.