the Hours of sound and fury
today i came home from school determined to not be distracted and work diligently on my research paper. but it was 3:00 and mary wasn't coming over until 4. i couldn't really do anything without her, so i decided to wait by having some Odwalla and channel surfing. i discovered Cleopatra (1963 with Elizabeth Taylor) on one of the movie channels. wow. what aan amazing movie. I only saw the last hour or so, but it was amazing. i am now so determined to see the rest of it. i think it was shakespeare's story with normal english, but im not sure since i haven't read Antony and Cleopatra. I also want to read that. And Henry V. I'm just too busy right now. But I was just so moved by that movie, even though I only saw part of it. Obviously its a love story, but Antony reminds me of Hamlet in that he's trying to balance having both love and honor; he can't live without love, but he can't survive without honor and he wants to die honorably. OMG. it was just so incredible. i think it was the acting. I'm totally gonna see it again though. totally worth the effort.after that movie, I found it totally impossible to focus on our research project. so i kind of sat there in a daze while Mary wrote our conclusion. then i started thinking about the meaning of life, and how its all really meaningless unless we define things with meaning and make it meangingful. then i started thinking about Cold Mountain (the movie and the book). I don't know why. i was thinking about it yesterday, about how the ending was so sad. so i looked at, but whatever i was looking for wasn't in there. when i went i went to put it back on the shelf, convinced i was just overthinking things, i suddenly spotted The Sound and The Fury. i picked it up and started flipping through it. i turned to Quentin's section and read the first paragraph and i was like whoa. i finally really understood what Faulkner was saying. then i flipped to the front of the book where i had the written the passage from Macbeth where the title comes from. After reading it, i suddenly understood what Shakespeare was saying. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about:
Life is but a walking shadow
A poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by and idiot
Full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
[V.v.18-27. Macbeth]
I never really understood how that related to Faulkner's message until today. When we read it last year, Mrs. Salyer had told us it was about Faulkner telling the South to move forward and stop living in the past; it was about the corruption of honor and the decay of Southern ideals. in part, it was. but not in whole. that was kind of like the top layer. I finally figured out that the entire novel is talking about the absolute meaninglessness of life. Benji is the idiot who begans the tale; he cannot comprehend the meaninglessness of his life because he doesn't understand time or people or his emotions. Quentin is the one who realizes his own life's meaninglessness; he is obsessed with time, with time running out, and with not being able to escape time. he is aware of his waning time in life, afraid of wasting it, and believes that since he has no honor or meaning in his life, that it isn't worth living. which explains his suicide. Jason's life is meaningless because his given meaning is meaningless; he is obsessed with money and material wealth. Caddy's life has no meaning because Miss Quentin is the only thing she cares about, the only thing that really gave her life meaning. Until her daughter was born, Caddy tried to fill that void with sex, but until she is a mother she really has nothing to live for. And that is taken from her by her mother. Caroline cares about no one but herself and therefore her life has no meaning because she is a pathetic, mean old hag. Jason Sr. fills the void with alcohol and Dilsey with God. I think Faulkner's meaning definately goes beyond the deacy of the South. why else the title's allusion? life is nothing but noises and emotions that mean nothing unless one makes them; without ambition, emotion, drive, morals, and meaning, it is merely composed of "sound and fury." Totally existential in message, though Quentin and Jason Sr. talk about nihlism. I just now really saw that. All because i was thinking about the existentialism in Cleopatra. Its amazing that all of these things- a movie from the 60's, a novel from the early 1900's, and a play from 500 year ago all interrelate so much. granted both of the modern works were based on the ideas in plays from 500 years ago, but that's not the point. Shakespeare really knew what he was talking about. I mean, i always knew he was a genius, but i've had a epiphemy today.
the only problem is how to find this meaning. it has to be lasting and meaningful or else there is nothing. and i realize that i currently have nothing. i only have distractions to help me pass the time between realizations of this nothingness. how can someone live like that? Kierkegard said that existentialists/agnostics/atheists couldn't live unless they either took a leap of faith (like Christianity) or took their own lives. He didn't believe existance was possible without belief in some higher power. But he also said what you do is more important than your spiritual soul; what you do with your existence proves who you are. That a person must be prepared to defy society in order live a personally valid life. To give up everything to live in a way that defines your own moral code. But then what am i to do? leave everyone and everything i know in order to define my existence? please myself above others? contradict my ideals? In The Hours Laura Brown and Virginia Woolf chose this option but Meryl Streep's character took the leap by defining herself by pleasing those around her. Maybe some other existential opinions will shed some light on this area:
Heidigger was a true agnostic who believed we would never know why we are here so me must choose a good, follow it passionately but with the awareness of the ultimate meaninglessness of life and one's ultimate death. But how to choose the correct good? How can i choose the one that will be right for me for the rest of my life? How can i possibly be responsible enough to make that decision? I'm lnot even egally responsible enough to drink. I know adults who are more irresponible than i am. even though its my life, i dont think im ready to make a decision that will ultimately decided whether i live or die (that is emotionally live or die).
I know Sarte doesn't hold the answer either. He empasized choice and responsiblilty. He believe we could choose whatever we wanted for this "passion" so long as by doing it, we could accept responsibility for all of mankind in doing so. We could sit there and say, if I do it, it is morally acceptable for everyone to do it. How can someone accept that responsibilty? make a moral decision for all of mankind? Say that this is ok for everyone to do? Essentially take responsibility for the moral failure of mankind if you make a bad decision? how can anyone do that?
All of these philosophers. How did they do it? they didn't kill themselves and Kierkegard is the only one who turned to religion.Him and Doestoyevsky, who offers an answer in his works: Christianity. In both Crime and Punishment and The Brothers Karamazov. His idea is that the only thing that can save humanity from nothingness is Christian love and that we must love life more than the meaning of it. I just can't say i agree with that. Chrisitianity is just some people's answer to defining life; they use it for their meaning and passion. But what am I to do? I can never turn to that religion. I just can't. I was raised that way, ever since I was little, and i just never believed it. I can't accept something I see as lies as the key to the meaning of life. Between Christianity and death, I choose death. wow. very Hours-ish. Very Virginia Woolf. I believe hers was "i choose not the suffocating anesthesia of the suburbs but the violent jolt of the city...between the suburbs and death, I choose death." Maybe I just need the city. I know this past summer in St Louis was the most amazing week of my life. I love that city. but i can't base my life's meaning on a city. that's worse than religion. that's worse than choosing money or anything else.
I'm looking for another way out, but I don't see one yet. I know I'm too young to know what my place is yet; i know its not Southlake. I know i want to teach. I know i won't know until im older what path i will choose (or what was chosen for me?). I only know that all i have is my morals. I have my friends and my family. But thats not what im talking about. Thats support. Thats not meaning. All I have is sound and fury. how do i make the meaningless noise become music? how can i make sense of the chaos? i want to take control but im running out of ideas, time, options. graduation is looming ready to sweep away the only things familiar to me. when im away at college what will there be? i mean, sure i'll make new friends. and my family will be there for me if i need them. But will I be there for me? or will i fall, drown in my own doubts, questions and confusion? be beaten to death by the idiot. i think thats why people go crazy (the emotional ones anyway, not the ones with chemical imbalances). they choose objective observer rather than particpator. They choose to watch rather than participate. The people who kill themselves choose to quit and never because they believe the game stupid and meaningless. I'm not a quitter. and I'm not an observer. but right now I'm on the bench ready to go in and im not sure im emotionally ready to go in. im not sure i really know how to play.
I don't know if I can handle this responsibility. I was reading this book where one character said that, and the other one turned to him and said yes you can. and you will. because you have to. you have no other option. you will handle it or you will die.
and if i can't handle it and i give up, than what am i saying? according to Sarte, i am saying that i believe it is ok for the world to give up. according to Kierkigard and Dostoyevsky, i am becoming a Christian. Or killing myself. and according to Heidigger I am merely choosing to live in a lonely, incomprehensble, and indifferent world. Though on the plus side, according to Nietzsche, I am living the way i was meant to and fulfilling my purpose for existence, thereby giving my life meaning. that by giving up and accepting failure, i am defining things with meaning. interesting theory, but not my bag of chips.
I don't know the answers. I know that if I don't find out soon, I'm going to drive myself crazy trying to figure everything out. I also know that I won't be finding out for awhile, and by looking for the answers, I am merely delaying my revelations. If I could just back off and relax I think I would be OK. But if I do that, I fear I will be doomed. It's my responsibility and no one elses to give my own life meaning, to make things worthwhile. I don't know what to do. I'm drowning here in the aenesthetic of the suburbs.
I need to get out of Southlake. For
I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs but the violent jolt of the capitol...between Southlake and death, I choose death.
posted by kellyisdelightful @ 7:13 PM
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