caffeine highs, coffee shops, shades of grey: August 2005

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

"And I will try to fix you..."

Listening to the Coldplay X and Y album...tis quite amazing. I really really really like it. They're coming to Smirnoff in October...I may have to go if the tickets are ridiculous. And if I can find someone to drag along. But that is irrelevent.

Today was...interesting. Stat sucks for the most part. After getting credit for Calc I and II I should not be in Statistics...it's too freaking easy. But, alas it has some useful elements. So I shall stick with it and do my busy work and be bored for class until we get done with the boring intro stuff and him explaining to everyone the difference between open and closed circles on a number line and what a bar graph (seriously...wtf). Western Civ was fun as always. I love that class. I answered my question so 100 percent completely correctly my professor was a little stunned. He was trying to summarize what I said and add extra stuff I forgot except BOO YAH I didn't forget anything. PUH-SHAA! yes. My accomplishments this afternoon consisted of me staying awake during French (though I almost dozed off like 5 times and could barely keep my eyes open) and then I did some HW and reading. I've been rereading Grendel. I love Grendel so much. I don't think anyone understands the love I have for this book. Like, if I could, I would marry it. I LOVE it so much...sometimes it hurts. I know that's sad, but that's art. Brilliant. Urh I think I need to look over my religion reading before class tomorrow because last time I totally got lost (granted they got off subject and started using examples from books of the Bible and I was like wtf I don't know what you're talking about) but this time I am determined to stay with the discussion and not let my mind wander. I think I need to like, either read the Bible or read Sparknotes or something because every time my professor uses examples from it (it's not a Christianity course but she uses that for examples and comparisons becase she's more familiar with it) I have no fucking clue what she is talking about. It's just not good. It's like structual unemployment...its the worst situation I could possibly be in in this class right now (for those of you people without econ or who slept through it, structual unemployment is when you're unemployed because your job no longer exists due to like technological advances and you therefore have no marketable skills and can't get another job because you have become obsolete). Oh yeah we get a new roommate from some university in New Orleans that got washed away by the hurricane. I think I'm going to watch Sin City...FINALLY!!!

“You improve them, my boy! Can’t you see that yourself? You stimulate them! You make them think and scheme. You drive them to poetry, science, religion, all that makes them what they for as long as they last. You are, so to speak, the brute existent by which they learn to define themselves. The exile, captivity, death they shrink from- the blunt facts of their morality, their abandonment- that’s what you make them recognize, embrace! You are mankind, or man’s condition: inseparable as the mountain-climber and the mountain. If you withdraw, you’ll be instantly replaced. Brute existents, you know, are a dime a dozen. NO sentimental trash then. If man’s the irrelevance that interests you, stick with him! Scare him to glory! It’s all the same in the end, matter and motion, simple or complex. No difference finally. Death, transfiguration. Ashes to ashes, slime to slime, amen.” – the Dragon to Grendel in Grendel, pp.73-74.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

PLAN A

You've met me at a weird time in my life...

Friendships were the focus of the last post and the last few days. I'm making some new friends here at TCU though its still different and I'm not very close with them yet. But I am keeping in touch with my other friends which is good. And I'll see some people this weekend. So yay.

But I have come up with a "plan A" for my friendships dilemnas...I've kind of been battling logic here for the past 48 hours or so. Trying to figure out whether to do nothing, to do something, to open myself up over something that probably won't end well, to go for it, to rely on close friends in the same way, and so on etc. Basically choosing between logic and passion/emotion (the emotional attachments to my friends and the emotional support they provide)...anyway, after
debating for some time between logic and emotion. I choose…neither. I choose the moment and to live in it, abandoning all thought and all emotion and just living. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and frankly...I'm ok with that. Uncertainty is life; I know I just need to live in the moment, in the "is" (thanks heath). I always come back to this idea no matter what the situation, I always manage to find clarity in the chaos; sometimes it just takes me a little while. Thank you to all of those people who have been there for me. Although you didn't directly help me solve my problem (not bc you didn't want to but bc you can't, sorry), you were there for me. So thank you.

Someone asked me today: Do you believe that people are inherently good, or inherently evil? An interesting subject that got me thinking....hmmmmm...
Mr. Golding and Mr. Conrad would of course argue that man is inherently evil and that society is the only thing keeping us from resorting to the savage being with in. Mr Huxley tends to argue the opposite; that society is the problem that poisons mankind. Mr. Rousseau however believes in the “tabula rosa” theory regarding mankind and argues that man is a blank slate with the power for both good and evil inherently with in him; it is society that ultimately determines which will be more pronounced over time. I tend to see things partly from Mr. Rousseau’s “tabula rosa” theory (also called the Natural Man Theory if I’m not mistaken) and also from the Chinese idea of Yin and Yang. I believe that man is neither inherently good nor evil; every single person has the same affinity for either but a combination of society, psychology, and biology determines how each person acts. I think society tends to have an almost 100 percent negative/evil influence and corrupts mankind. The point is that it depends on the strength of, not the nature of the man, as to whether or not he will be “good or evil”. I think society is inherently evil and that man will naturally be drawn more to this because of, as Mr. Conrad says, his “hollowness”; many people do not possess a moral core and therefore are easily corrupted by society. So, to end this blathering, man has the power for both good and evil within him; each individual has the power to choose. Timshel…the downfall of our race

Grendel has been in my head all day so:
“He had glimpsed a glorious ideal, had struggled toward it and seized it and come to understand it, and was disappointed. One could sympathize” (90)......

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Relationships...I know not what to do and time is running out

I'm swimming in a sea of memories and overanalytic thoughts right now. Four relationships of the friend area...tonight I find myself questioning them. One on the verge of something, but what? One revived after a presumed infinite hiatus by a memory that will forever connect our minds. One about to change because of distance but that I know will survive. One that is new and different and good but very young and mature. All four consume me right now. I can't focus on anything else and my mind keep wandering to the what-if's and the could-be's and the how will this end's.

What if I had never gone to England?
What if we hadn't stopped being friends for no reason in January and put so much distance between us that we haven't spoken to each other since?
What if my hair was still pink?
What if I never find another person who knows me this way?
How is it that after 6 months apart, we're still the same people who know everything about the other?
What if the brakes had been hit a tenth of a second later?
Could we ever be friends again after this?
What if Boston was nothing more than a dream?
What will the future bring?
Will we stay in touch?
Are we really so alike that after all this time apart, we still think exactly the same way?
Am I reading too much into things?

OK. There are 4 yes. But one is preocupying me more than the others now. It's been 6 months. And yet...neither one of us has changed. I mean, we have changed and grown up and matured and made new friends and stuff, but we are still exactly the same. People used to say we were like one person in two bodies, we thought the same things, said the same things, believed the same things. Best friends. Sisters almost. And now...we still know each other that well. An unspoken knowledge. Of what we've done, what we've become. Who we are. We still know. I realize this now because of a single movie that will forever connect us. The fact that our minds are so alike...it seems like no matter how much time passes or what is said or what we do or where go, we will always know each other like this. On this level. Because we are the same.

What to do next is the issue...

"Not a whit. We defy augury. There's a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come- the readiness is all. Since no man of aught he leaves knows,. what is 't to leave betimes? Let be." [Hamlet. V.ii. 207-211.]

a quote that applies so much more to life than death...

Coldplay; "White Shadows"

When I was a young boy I tried to listen
And I wanna feel like that
Little white shadows that blink in the distance
I'm part of a system plan

Do you ever feel like there's something missing?
Things you'll never understand
Little white shadows that sparkle and glisten
Part of a system plan
When all our fears are waking up
All the space they're taking upI said I cannot hear you, you're breaking up
Ohhhh...

Maybe you get what you wanted
Maybe you stumbled upon it
Everything you ever wanted
In a permanent state

Maybe you'll know when you see it
Maybe if you say it, you'll mean it
When you find that you keep it
In a permanent state
A permanent state

When I was a young boyI tried to listen
I don't think I'll ever feel like that
We're part of the human race and
All of the stars and outer space
We're part of the system plan
When all our fears are waking up
And all the space, they're taking up
I said I cannot hear you, you're breaking up
Maybe you get what you wanted
Maybe you'll stumble upon it
Everything you ever wanted
In a permanent state
Maybe you'll know when you see it
Maybe if you say it, you'll mean it
When you find that you keep it
In a permanent state
A permanent state

I swear I'm only seeing faces
Tired of the human races
Oh, answer now is what I need...
See it in a new sun rising
See it breaking on your horizon
Oh, come on love, stay with me...

What an amazing song. Too many thoughts and emotions right now. There will be a better post later after I sort through them. Bed now. Tired. Sleeeeeeeeep...

Thursday, August 25, 2005

good quotes make my life happy

“Self-confidence is so relaxing. There is no strain or stress when one is self-confident. Our lack of self-confidence comes from trying to be someone we aren't.”--Anne Wilson Schaef

I found this quote last night and thought it was simply superb. There are so many people in this world who try and be someone they're not; they join organizations they hate in order to please someone else. They act dumber in order to be less intimidating for dating purposes. They censor their comments and pretend to be someone they aren't so that they still have a "good image". What is an image though? It's the preception people have of us based on the way we act, correct? So if our image is not our true self, then what are we? Nothing more than a shadow. Although I love Southlake, this is one of the majors problems with it. And not just Southlake, but American society as a whole. People feel the need to be someone they're not; they aspire to some ideal that is impossible to reach. The superficiality eventually drives them crazy and they end up a broken shell of someone who could have been great. Accept yourself for who you are; you are you, plain and simple. Nothing more, nothing less. Accept yourself with all your faults and dreams and ambitions and talents, because trying to be someone else is not going to work. You can never change who you are. It doesn't matter what you see when you look in the mirror; it matters what you see when you look inside yourself. Some people say happiness is unattainable in American Society today; I once said that myself. In fact, my junior year I wrote an entire essay entitled "The Death of the American Dream" about how happiness was unattainable in American Society today. I now see this as only half true. Happiness is unattainable when you conform to the superficial standards of American Society and care about what other people think of you and what you look like and try to change who you are for others. Conformity will not make you happy. However, I now see that happiness is attainable if you look inwardly, rather than outwardly. If you accept yourself and live your life in a way that you see as right (it doesn't matter what you do so long as you can justify your actions to yourself), only then can you truly be happy. Shakespeare really knew what he was talking about:

"This above all: to thine own self be true"

ahhh Polonius. Your only good line in the play, you wise old power hungry sycophantic bastard you.

when you think about this in terms of knowing who you are, can anybody see why this is my favorite quote ever?

"A Chinaman of the Tang Dynasty- and by which definition a philosopher- once dreamt he was a butterfly, and from that moment he was never quite sure that he was not a butterfly dreaming it was a Chinese philosopher. Envy him; in his two-fold security."
-Guildenstern in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

"I like my coffee black, just like my men!"

Hey Everyone!

First post from the dorm room...little weeird but most def cool.

OK, so today we had our first day of class. Well, I had my first morning of class: Stat at 8 and Western Civ at 9. Super excited about WC, kind of eh about Stat. French this afternoon, hopefully will be way better than the Tyler's class...I'm still a little scarred from that and therefore apprehensive about foreign languages that I don't speak.

Lunch with Sarah and LD (I think) tomorrow; super exciting! I'm thinking the vegan place is a must. Or maybe Uno's or Potbelly's; I'm undecided. Lalala. Got my dorm phone set up. Call my cell to get the dorm number if you want it or I can just call you at some point and all you caller ID savy people can just have it that way.

...
Heard from Fran a few days ago for the first time in about a month; it was really nice. I do miss England still, but not as much as I used to. LWS has gone away and been replaced by nostalgia, a good step in the right direction. I've been able to tolerate having certain London pictures up in my dorm room; some I put away because they bring back the LWS/SWS (Southlake Withdrawl Syndrome) and I just can't take it. I've got a few up though. Kudos to Elizabeth Chambers for giving me such great pics.

OK. There's this Free BBQ thing at noon (first rule of college students: never turn down free food) and then French Class at one. After that I'll probably try to practice for my audition on Tuesday, read the first chapter for WC, get my religion stuff ready for my one class tomorrow, and relax. Maybe take a nap. Maybe call some people. I don't know. Could be a crazy and unpredictable night. Could not be...who knows?

I'll be home this weekend (fri and saturday night) to see the marching demo and hang with some friends. Yay for the Bubble.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Southlake has conquered me...

So. Today I moved my stuff into my dorm and all that jazz. All of my clothes, toilettries, computer, books, everything is at TCU. And I am at home because neither one of my roomates was there tonight and I was like eh no. Plus I must say, I will miss Southlake. And I had to give a proper goodbye to Dave and Matt ("I like my coffee black, just like my men!"). Good times tonight. So anyway, yes, sadly I have been conquered by Soutlake. The place I once considered my hell I now consider my home. There was a time when I wanted nothing more than to leave this place because I hated it (and this wasn't too long ago). But over the past year or so (starting probably around October so maybe a little less than a year) I began to really love this bubble of superficial rich snobs. Sure Southlake has problems. Sure it stands for everything I'm against. But I love it. I can't explain it, but I love this town in all it's consumer driven drama and superficial standards and ignorant judgements. Southlake has converted me. In the superficial meaninglessness, I have found some semblance of meaning. Southlake is now the place I look forward to coming home to on long weekends; it's where I'll get to see my friends who are out of state or far away and it's where my younger friends still live. I know this is a change from the usual Kelly. Or maybe not. Maybe this is just like American Beauty; I have found something profoundly ugly at the core yet it's incredibly beautiful. Siiigh...

My next post will be from my dorm room; I shall eventually move in there (should be tomorrow) and stay there tomorrow night (hopefully my disappearing roomates will return)...I really hope my internet is up tomorrow night because it wasn't this afternoon and I was like a room, with no roomates, I don't know what rooms my other friends are in, there's nothing to do till tomorrow when Howdy weeks starts, and I have no internet. Uuuumm no. Bleh. I'm actually tired tonight. Sleepy time.

And together there
In a shroud of frost, the mountain air
Began to pass from every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer than anyone would ever get

Death Cab for Cutie is amazing

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Rif Ram Rah Zoo Lickity Lickity Zoo Zoo Who Wah Wah Who Give 'Em Hell TCU!

So I'm back from Frog Camp which was super amazing. I had a lot of fun and met some really cool people. Saw some rather unpleasant people from Southlake and was for once actually happy to be representing our town because I was representing one of the few good things that Southlake has to offer: educated, fun, open-minded, hard working, moral, philosophical kids. It was kind of cool to be like I'm from Southlake and some people were like oh ok but others were like really? you? wow. it was neat.

They had this presentation thing on Sunday night about people being prejudice and talked about hate crimes and how we were the only people who could stop them. Most of the kids were really shocked and stuff. I wasn't really schocked because I've made a point of educating myself about this sort of thing and know about the lack of acceptance that takes place. I don't like it, but I'm very aware of it. It was really amazing the amount of time and knowledge that had been put into this skit and presentation; I was really impressed and excited to be going to TCU because I think it's really rare for a school to do something like that and try to inspire the kids into making a difference. It was so well done; Howard Zinn would have been proud. Anywho; I met some neat people and although I'm still nervous about TCU and college and life in general, I know I'll have some fellow liberals (woot!) and some cool friends. But don't worry Pam; they'll never replace my current ones. There will never be another Pam, Matt, Jill, Nia, Mal, Thomas, Dave, Sarah, or Kate in my life. There will just be more friends and strong, long-distance friendships. Should be cool. Not a really deep entry, but meaningful in the end.

Dave and I had ice cream tonight and hung out. It was super fun. Everyone should check out Dave's new haircut because it is so incredibly super cool. Yay to Dave for getting a good haircut (it only took 18 years!). Pam you would probably die of schock at how good this haircut looks. whee.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

JILL IS HOME HOW KICK ASS!!!

so earlier i was all sad and bummed and scared about the future but i'm ok now. i looked back at some old blog posts of mine and it really relaxed me. this whole history major thing is definately good because for me there's just nothing like examining the past to help make the present and future better. i don't know...history and analyzing the past and how it became the present just cheers me up. it makes me feel like i'm doing something useful and meaningful is only on a small scale. so yay for that. i've got that. and enlgish. when i think about it right now, at this moment in my life, i couldn't have picked two more perfect majors for myself if i had tried. i'm having mixed feeling about TCU and college in general and leaving southlake (hate parts of it but love certain aspects like my friends and my memories and langford's english class) but i am so 100% confident in studying history and english at the moment...it just seems to the glue holding my future together at the moment. i am so psyched for studying these two things (english has to wait till next semester bc all the advanced classes were filled, tear, but its only a few months away) but history starts august 24. i am ready for this class. and world religions bc its supposedly unbiased and encompasses all of them. its late. and im tired. but im going to read. grendel i think. that fury little bastard always cheers me up.

ummm three cheers for the kickass tring reunion earlier tonight. the DVD will always have a special place in my heart as will everyone who went and all the memories we have. and i need to get our airport pictures from Sarah! we shall hang.

oh. and jill is back in town!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so happy. she is my cool liberal/bushbashing/super awesome/happy friend and ive missed her allotto (for anyone who had mrs. allotto for home ec II you know that allotto is the "biggest huge"...wow i will miss steph klocke for sure...)

ummm ok bye.

Monday, August 08, 2005

an anti quotidian post

Was reading a random xanga and was inspired to make a top album list… (in no particular order):

The Beatles White Album
Blink 182 Take Off Your Pants and Jacket
Fallout Boy Take This to Your Grave
The Shins Chutes Too Narrow
Gatsby’s American Dream and The Volcano
Coldplay X and Y
The Postal Service Give Up
Nirvana Nevermind
Anti-Flag The Terror State

These are definitely the albums that stand out above the rest. Some are recent favorites (such as The Shins, Coldplay, and Gatsby’s American Dream), some are High School additions (Fallout Boy, Anti-Flag, The Postal Service, and The Beatles) and others (Blink 182 and Nirvana) have survived at the top of my list since middle school. It is my opinion that this list represents albums that I will still be listening to in 20 years. They are truly amazing.
On that note, I put no compilations or soundtracks on here. If I were to include those, the list would also include:

The Pulp Fiction Soundtrack
The Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack
Rock Against Bush Vol. 1 and 2
Blink 182 The Mark Tom and Travis Show: The Enema Strikes Back
Garden State Soundtrack

I think I shall give Franz Ferdinand: Franz Ferdinand an honorable mention because I’ll probably be listening to them for awhile too. OK. That is my list. I was also inspired to make a list of my all time favorite books. There are at least 20 or so that are truly amazing books that I loved and will reread again at some point. However, there are only 5 that I really believe to be better than the others:

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard
Passionate Declarations by Howard Zinn
Grendel by John Gardner
The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett.

The others (including but not limited The Sound and The Fury, Heart of Darkness, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Brave New World) are good, but just not in the same way as these. Sound and the Fury is number 6. It was close. Hmmm…I must say, Langford and Salyer just have a knack for picking awesome, life changing books that you can’t live without. I don’t mean physically live (books obviously don’t provide food sleep or oxygen) but I mean psychologically live. Live in the moment and appreciate it, that type of thing. I honestly believe that these books are essential to living in an understanding and correct way.

I have recently developed a theory that art, not science will be the salvation of mankind. Paintings, movies, books, poems, music, etc. will in the long run be more beneficial to us than chemistry and physics and engineering. Science will benefit and save society while the arts will benefit and save mankind. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me. Hmmm…I feel an essay coming on...

Sunday, August 07, 2005

we all need a laugh sometimes...

The Lake house was amazing and I had so much fun. Unfortunately, reality struck when I got home, but today we are thinking happy thoughts and forgetting those unpleasant ones because there just to many that have no solution. Hope this makes someone smile:

Today we salute you, Mr. Constant Collar Putter-Upper. You, bedecked in popped collar, teach us that we no longer have to live with a cold, exposed back of the neck. Sure, your Pink alligator polo may look feminine to some, but not to the 17 other frat guys wearing the same thing at the bar. Where others may see thoughtless fashion conformity, you preach a higher gospel. You preach of a world where its okay for a man to go tanning. You ask "why can't we wear make-up, and use shampoo with lavender essecence?" So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Mr. Abercrombie (or is it Fitch?), because we all know, when we really need a piece of gum, you might have one...in your man purse.

Friday, August 05, 2005

the dam has broken

Last night, for the first time in a long time, I was able to write. I was rereading The Sun Also Rises and thinking about the whole Lost Generation Theme, along with all the things about Jake's meaningless life and Brett wandering around searching for something that no longer exists, and I just started writing about it. I was babysitting so it was written in a rather cramped script with pencil on old computer paper (not my usual materials shall we say) but it was really really nice. And so therapeudic. I really needed that, just to cleanse my thoughts and stuff. It really bothers me if I'm thinking about something like that and can't put it into words. But last night I did that and it felt fabulous. Hopefully the writer's block will not come back for awhile. Off to run a few errands before picking Kyle up and rocking to the Gatsby's American Dream and the Volcano CD, which by the way is amazing. For all of you Great Gatsby and Lord of the Flies and also rock fans you should most definately get this CD. Tis uhmazing.

caffeine highs, coffee shops, shades of grey