"There are never enough hours in the days of a queen, and her nights have too many"
Ahh darkness. enveloping and surrounding. all quieting. powerful. honest. why is it that only at night one begins to face the fears, doubts, uncertanties, problems? why is it only at night the one's head is clearest, her thoughts most precise and bold, without fear or doubt or reason. all things are solved at night, but with the first sunrise brings rusing back inhibitions and self doubts. society with its judgements and standards dictates one's thoughts throughout the day, what is proper and what is not. what can be said and what are the sacred taboos. all of this dictated by society and those around us.some people speak their mind, but no one really ever truely speaks her mind. its unacceptable. i have been known to speak my mind more than hold my tongue, but the very fact that i do hold my tongue means i am not truely speaking my mind. why is it that light and society can squash dreams and ambitions? why must people bow to the doubt that day brings? why is it only at night that people can be honest with themselves after lying all day? How do people live this way, this dual personality, the real and the mask? i dont know. its strange. only at night, when alone in the dark, is anyone ever truly honest with him/herself. only when no one else is there can people truly look through the haze and see thr truth.
maybe thats what true love really is. a connection with someone who you can have these thoughts with. a person you feel comfortable enough around to share these insecurities and self doubts. a person to whom you can verbalize these nightly discoveries and revelations. a person who can understand another's true self and being unadulterated by society and doubt, pure and true.
why is it that we feel the need to confide all of our thoughts and secrets on an electronic diary for the world to read? and how do these people read our words? are they read as they were meant to be? as they sound when they pass through our head, as they sound when read aloud? one's tone, stresses on certain words and phrases, the look on one's face: all of these things emphasize meaning during a conversation. but when we type, our words sometimes lose the emotion, they aren't read the way they were meant to be read, interpreted as they should be. their meanings are twisted and they don't sound right. ideally people will read this blog with the correct stresses, the correct tone, the correct pauses. this way of reading dictates whether the passage is interpreted philosophically, dramatically, satirically, literally, etc etc. strange how the way one makes one's thoughts known is the ultimate decider in how her words are inerpreted. it ultimately decides how she will be remembered and what for. interesting.
i guess im really philospphical tonight because i wasted my entire afternoon watching Cleopatra, which i taped this morning. i say wasted in the sense that i didn't study for my physics test, do my government reading, or my calculus quizzes. i don't believe the movie itself was a waste of time, though im probably mature enough to have known better and waited until a more oppurtune moment to watch it. at any rate, the movie is fabulous. its so incredible to watch the characters develop; it really paralleled the revelations all people make regarding this or that. in this movie it was death and love. what was more important, having love or having a memory and legacy after death so that one may live forever? and what is love? and petty politics and wars seem in comparison to the magnanamous subjects of death, love, and honor. Cleopatra spends most of the movie striving for greatness; her ambition for a great empire that encompased the entire world and therefore brought prosperity and peace to all and more honor and respect to her became absolutely nothing when she realized how deeply she loved Marc Antony. because, she realized, love is what makes the dream worth having, the goal worth realizing, life worth living. to find that one person who can be the meaning in life, who can be the passion and emotion that defines life itself.
can such a thing exist in our society today?
i wonder. and i hope. and i dream. and i am often disappointed. and yet i continue to hope. why? what is that thing inside all humans that causes us to chase after ridiculous dreams and temporarily throw away reason in order to satisfy some stupid emotion? what makes us stop thinking completely and give all of ourselves to a single moment that we know beforehand will only result in defeat, anger, and sadness. what is that thing inside that makes us hope and dream with or without failure? what is it that causes us to act the way we do, with no regard for common sense or reason or truth, drunk with hope. i wonder. why?
i need a reason to keep hoping. because reason and common sense have become stronger as the defeats keep mounting. my fire is dying out. im losing my grip on reality; is it really possible to be so moved by a single movie? one single movie that grabs you and pulls you into it and than throws you out, and you feel powerful and weak at the same time, happy and yet completely confused. and you're ok. but then you go back to reality. back to the bland banalness of your life. and you see the nothingness. because it is dark outside. and during the dark, you see all the truths of your life and of the world unraveled at your feet, waiting. waiting for what? for you to take them and use them and throw of the shadow cast by society. and yet they still wait. they hope. they dream.
and they are disappointed.
posted by kellyisdelightful @ 7:30 PM
2 Comments:
I agree completely, especially the part about only being able to be honest with yourself at night. It's the hardest thing to do to be happy at night, I've determined. Because then you're all by yourself, and you have nothing but your thoughts and your fears. Many a night I've played out something I want to do the next day in my head, only for it to not happen because I've either shot it down in the morning or have chickened out.
I also agree about the journal. Usually I talk to people about stuff, but there's a lot of stuff I prefer to keep inside, or stuff I can't talk about to someone. Electronic journals, such as blogs, provide an outlet for me to vent when I'm pissed, or just to feel like I'm loved and people actually give a crap what happens in my life.
As for the last part of your post, all I have to say is that Southlake is stifling you. I mean, you already knew that, it stifles all of us. But I think you have it worse. You're being held down by Southlake's chains of oppression. Just wait three more months, then all of us can be free and work to find our places in life. Here we're so confined to what we're expected to be by our classmates, by our families, by Southlake in general. I for one am very much looking forward to starting anew, to give off a whole new impression of myself. I'm going to miss my friends and the good times we have, but they'll still be there...and Southlake won't be. We'll finally be able to stretch our wings and leave all this pettiness behind.
I hope I made sense. Again, it's with the e-diary thing, not being able to grasp completely what the other person is saying.
And just think of the winner, Neal Horsley, and then you just have to laugh. We can all use a laugh every so often, right? :-)
an interesting point pam. southlake is stiffling me. but there's a fine line between the chaos in my head and the chaos produced by society. i'm really beginning to wonder how much of it is Southlake and how much of it is me...
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