How am I not myself?
so my existential crisis is somewhat solved. I watched I Heart Huckabees today, the movie that pretty much puts into words everything I feel and believe and it really helped me to put my life back into perspective and see the big picture, the whole point of life, or at least mine. It's weird. Reality and human drama and stupid little things seem to get in the way all of the time. Like just now, 30 seconds ago, the phone rang and interupted my train of thought. This sort of thing...that;s what I'm talking about. Things get in the way of being and life. I've realized that I can't let that affect me too much. I mean, obviously its going to affect me and drive me nuts but so long as I can meditate or whatever and come back to this place where I am, this place of realization and being and life and whatnot, then I think I'll be ok. I just have to be able to sit down once in awhile and watch I Heart Huckabees or read my writings about it (the first time I ever saw it I wrote down what I thought and believed etc.) and then the world will make sense again. I know it sounds kind of stupid, but I Heart Huckabees is my realization catalyst. It helps me to focus my energy and realize what I know and think and want. It's pretty cool.I've been thinking lately about this question:
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?
If you ask yourself over and over again and you really truly think about its pretty weird. and cool. all at the same time.
If I do not accept life as mine to control and shape then I am lost and therefore not my true self, my true being. There are signs that guide and people who can give advice but all decisions are ultimately mine. Until they realize the truth of interconnectedness between all things everyone is lost. Not themselves. Everything is the same yet different and the meaning comes from our actions. When this is realized we are in our true state of being and therefore when we don't accept this we are not ourselves.
Hmmm...now that I think about it, I think I am most definately myself. But now this poses a bigger problem. Who am I? Myself yes, but who is that? I've realized this week that my life isn't what I thought it was or should be. I don't know what I'm doing here. I think I'm going crazy here, I really do. It's like hours and hours of confusion and chaos and then for a few brief moments, as witenessed by the earlier part of this post, things will make sense. But then that sense goes away. And I can't seem to make it come back. I am so scared and lost and confused right now. My life is...nothing. Meaningless. It's a problem and I have no solution. I can't fix it. I normally approach problems logically and think through them and I figure out an answer but I can't solve this. I can't do this. I don't know who I am or why I'm here. When it comes to religion and mankind I'm perfectly fine with not knowing because its not something I was meant to understand. But if I am to give meaning to my life, I need to understand me. And I don't. So forget the existential crisis solved part. Its so far from solved its not even funny.
I really think I'm going insane. I'm this neurotic basket case and things keep getting more and more chaotic and confusing and meaningless. God help me.
posted by kellyisdelightful @ 8:10 PM
1 Comments:
yea so I heart Huckabees does that to you, i still love the movie though because it does cover the extreme purposes of life and such...I think life is what you make of it and insanity isnt necessarily a bad thing; I mean look at me...
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