I am waiting for Godot
So I finished the new Harry Potter book today. It was quite good. I think I prefer the 5th one actually, but I think this was was very good as well.LD and I went shopping today and I most definately found a cocktail dress and 2 new bathing suits for the cruise next week which is good because I was short a dress and had no decent suits. I also found a fun belt. yay.
Uuummm...Kind of tired right now. Not really thinking deeply. Or at all now that I think about it. The novel is on pause at the moment. It's due to the comined affects of acute writer's block and uncertainty about how I want to approach certain subjects, so I haven't written anything for the past few days.
Got The Shins CD. I reallly like it. They're for sure a cool band.
Tomorrow I'm planning on watching Garden State or Pulp Fiction (or both!), laying out, working out, and that's about it. maybe some reading while laying out. And maybe cleaning my room or doing something productive with my life. Or not. we'll have to wait and see.
I've decided that summer is my least favorite season and even though I hate John Keats' stlyle and messages in general, I thouroughly agree with his poem "To Autumn". Autumn is most definately the best season ever, though winter usually provides some fierce competition.
I've been in kind of a weird funk lately. I've been drifting through these past few weeks since we returned from Tring like I'm not really there. There are occasional good moments when I'm hanging out with friends or something, but in general I've just been drifting. It's hard to describe. It's like...it reminds me of that thing that used to sometimes happen during French class and occasionally during Government, where I'd all of a sudden just feel nothing, be nothing, start drifting on cruise control. It feels like I'm just watching everything happen from the sidelines and there's nothing I can do about it. My parents are driving me crazy and I'm locked up inside this house in a town with nothing to do 95 percent of the time. I guess the thing that really bugs me is that the things I'm doing are nothing; they don't mean anything (though some of the movies really are quite deep and thought provoking). They're just a way to pass the time.
Southlake In the Summer: A Real Life Waiting for Godot. That's what these past two weeks have been like. Like I'm living out my favorite play. Not something I ever really wanted to do considering it's about the meaninglessness of life.
I know that college will have meaning and that I'll be doing something useful with my time, but right now I just can't help feeling like I'm having a real life existential calamity. I know it sounds stupid, but Langford alums should be able to empathize. I need to do something or see something that renews my hope in life and meaning because right now I can sit here and think about meaning but everything real in life, everything I say and do and everything everybody else says and does just seems to be completely devoid of reality and meaning. Reality is currently proving menaingless which undermines my months of work at figuring out what I believe and how to live my life. And now that I am actually living in the world (sort of, you know what I mean), I am finding that this reality contradicts everything I once thought. The meaning I thought I had found has now disappeared and everything is...different. Not right. Menaingless. Fake, but real. Reality is fake. That's what I've discovered in these past two weeks. That Southlake, that society, that what I and other have always perceived as reality, is fake.
This is of course, a fact I have known for years. But this is the first time that I've ever really looked around and said "I am living in Prufrock's world" or "my world is fake". I guess it's the first time I've ever applied my meaningless society theories/beliefs directly to my own life. I've applied it to America and Southlake before. But into my mundane, everyday activities...this is new. Sort of. New as in I've never applied it for this long before. During school, you have distractions and homwork and tests and band concerts and marching practice and whatnot so it was only few hours a week that I would think about this. But now its the other way around. I only don't think about it for a few hours a week. It's wierd, suddenly realizing that everything in YOUR life is fake and meaningless and there's really not much you can do about it. Realizing it about society is part of life and high school and AP English. But realizing it about your own life...it's wierd man. I don't really now how to deal with this. I think I'll start by viewing the greatest epic of good versus evil of all time: Star Wars. Maybe the idea of good triumphing will help catalyze some positivity and meaning...or not. eh.
posted by kellyisdelightful @ 8:45 PM
2 Comments:
Ha ha, if you're that eager to give some meaning to your life, you could write me that essay on how Harry Potter makes a great archetypical hero and how his life is the perfect archetypical story. Like Star Wars.
But in all seriousness, all I have to say is just hold on for a little longer. Soon the stress of packing for college - okay, maybe not the stress but definitely the excitement - will take your mind off of it, and before you know it you'll be at TCU having the time of your life and wondering how you ever survived here in Southlake.
I had a brief stint a few months ago where exactly what you were describing happened. Nothing meant anything anymore, it was all meaningless, it was so stupid to continue on with life. But I got over it slowly by thinking about other things and finding stuff to do that didn't seem so meaningless. You're writing your novel, I would think that ample distraction, especially if you're writing another brilliant satire. That should provide ample distraction. Although writer's block is a major bitch, been there done that. I say write down whatever comes to mind...that's the great thing about computers, if you think it sucks you can always go back and change it later.
And hey, you can always call your good friend Pam and you and she can go hang out because they've haven't really had the opportunity to do so since the end of school. I hear she's free on Wednesday.
Good luck finding Godot, Kelly. Just one more month.
And it's always fun to call your mother names in your head. Again, been there, done that. :-)
BOWLING!
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